True Marriage

Today this seems very relevant so I will post this in lieu of my own writings and meanderings.

"In the beginning man roamed the world without the need of woman, for he was furnished with everything except the chemistry of the feminine nature, and God began to wonder about this. After eternity passed again, God winked his other eye and smiled with happiness, for He had solved the problem of man's lack of traits which included love, affection, and emotional characteristics that are needed for his return to the Nameless world called Anami Lok.

"God decided to split the soul of man and make of him two souls, although this would make man unhappy until he was with woman and became part of her, and she a part of him.

"So God did this and man had a woman to be the negative side of his nature. There was nothing he could do within his world to complete a task of divine doing until he had the cooperation and help of woman at his side.

"Man rebelled against this principle of God's and tried to demoralize woman by making a slave out of her, but it did not work. Woman exerted her divine rights and became an equal partner for man. She became the other side of his nature, to crystalize forms, to show him a better way to God by using his perceptive side of nature.

"On the other hand, neither can woman exist without man. She is dependent upon him for the power of God which flows through him. He has been given a chemical battery which has the ability to draw the power directly to himself, which woman lacks, but can take from man himself.

"This is why man and woman must join to share their gift from God to others. And for this purpose the marriage bonds were created, so man and woman could, under divine law, share their own lives and give to one another experiences which could not be gained alone. And to be the balance against one another's nature.

"It is for this purpose that God has created man and woman, in order that the great law may keep in balance the apex of divine life with woman during his incarnations, he must eventually find his soul mate and be balanced within life, or the universal body of God, to become one.

"Now this law of God enacts upon itself. All things within the body of God must have complete balance. This is the way of balancing man and woman and their natures."

The Tiger's Fang, Paul Twitchell, pages 90 - 91, copyright 1967, 1969

Love Quote by Kahlil Gibran

“It is wrong to think that love comes from long companionship and persevering courtship. Love is the offspring of spiritual affinity and unless that affinity is created in a moment, it will not be created for years or even generations.”

Kahlil Gibran

Just thought this was nice to share...

Divine Love

If your attention is on Divine Love, all else will be given unto you.

Higher

Big dreams,
Little girl.
Head always in the clouds.
Feet grounded in reality
By roots dug deep.
Tied to the earth
In a maze of morose.

Wanting to fly,
Windows were doors to rooftops
To feel a kite ascend,
Pretending it was her.
Up, up, up,
They would go on tippy toes.
Down, down, down,
They would fall.

Climbing trees
To be up high.
With only the birds
To chirp lullabies.
Freedom on a branch
As light as air
Nothing could compare.

Until...

Days grew into nights,
Nights into years
Seeking to go ever higher.
Upon the wings of a silver eagle.
Letting go,
Spinning downward,
Speeds so fast
Stealing your breath.

A tug upward!
Floating downward.
A rush of excitement.
What a view!
If only it could be sustained.
The ground again beneath her feet.
A chute swaddling around her
Like a heavy garment
No longer needed.

Time ticks carelessly away,
Yet desires to rise beckon
As she surfs the treetops
Like superwoman.
More often than not, though,
Travels are much gentler.
A simple shift,
A knowingness.
Higher still.

A Life Worth Living

Tomorrow is a day
Not spoken for.
Yesterday an illusion
I have dreamt.
Today, unfinished.

The moment, this moment,
Short and elusive
Is all I am guaranteed.
How will I use it?
How will I leave my mark upon it?

With love.
I will give this moment
And every one of them
Hereafter
All of my love.

For without love,
What worth does life possess?
None.
Only love gives birth
To a life worth living.

Rainy Days

Droplets pitter patter
Tapping a song
Upon my window.

Gray clouds charge ahead.
Pushed forward by the storm
In one continuous stream.

Thunder grumbles and booms.
Bolts of lightening flash
Like spears catapulted across the sky.

Chimes sing their tune
And I listen
To the Sound that is all around.

The Meaning of Life

From above
I see it all so clearly.
Connecting so perfectly.
No mistakes,
No chance meetings,
It is what it is.

From the loin of our greatest pain,
Springs forth our most wondrous self.
Destroying all that was
To make way for all that is.
Opening us to more of the Divine.

Use me!
Allow me to be
All that you have
Deemed me to be
To serve unconditionally.

Let me be pure
So that your love will touch others
Through me
And bring back to life
What is forgotten.

Permit me to be humble
In my service to you.
Clear of all preconceived notions,
Beliefs and judgments.
Open at all times in recognizing your will.

Step aside, my little self.
Something much greater is at work here.
We are only Its servant
Abiding by Its laws of love.
For only then will we realize
The meaning of life.

A Journey to Remembering

When our eyes first met,
I did not know you.
But how could I not
When in my dreams we so often
Rendezvoused upon white sandy beaches
Longing to recapture
A time so distant past.
Connecting a love
That transcended time and space.
Two Souls who could not bear
To be kept apart.

When our hands first touched,
Shooting stars burst between them.
A magic not seen before and ever since.
A spark reigniting a passion
That never died
But instead burned quietly waiting
For the opportunity to burn
Brightly and fiercely once more.
The roar of the flames grew louder
As they reunited as One.

When our lips met,
Time froze completely
Honoring the silent recognition
Of a love running so deeply.
Stunned silence as Soul and Soul
Rejoiced in remembering.
The One becoming two,
Desiring to become One again.
The veil drops before them.
Illusion can be no more.

Alas, they are no longer lost
But neither can they be together.
Circumstances wedged
Like a large fallen tree between them,
Unmovable by mere human strength,
Blocking the only path
They had come to know.
Did they dare dream for Divine Intervention?
Or had hope suffered a terrible death,
Crushed beneath the weight of fate?

In Thanksgiving...

"Thanksgiving is one of the attributes or qualities that come to the person who loves God. To serve others is to love others, and to love others is to serve others."

"Truth Has No Secrets," Harold Klemp


What I am most grateful for:

Mahanta.
Eckankar.
HU.
Being a mom.
Giving and receiving love.
Family.
Friendship.
My furry babies.
Truth.
Guidance.
Honesty.
Inner peace.
Adventures.
The gift of life.
Guidance.
Encouragement.
Laughter.
Protection.
Spiritual Freedom.
Fun.
Kindness.
Capturing the moment with my camera.
Writing.
Spiritual exercises.
Long walks.
Long drives.
The ocean, the sand, the BEACH!
Relaxing and reading a good book.
Helping others.
Listening.
Knowing love never dies.
Serving whenever and wherever I can.
Inner peace.
Contentment.
The Golden Temples of Wisdom.
The ECK Masters.
Dancing.
Hugs.
Going to the Worldwide.
Having dinner with special friends.
Trust.
Believing.
Traveling.
Babies.
Nature.
Animals.
Fall colors.
Sunsets and sunrises.
Birds.
Understanding and being understood.
Being me.
Knowing I am Soul.
Facebook. (It's given me the opportunity to meet so many loving Souls all around the world.)
Dreams.
Music.
Art.
Being connected.
Being present.
Having an open mind and an open heart.

And I could go on and on, but I won't. Not here anyway.

Happy Thanksgiving!

From My Back Window

Stretching forth,
Shaking off the sleepiness
Of nighttime,
A beautiful array of colors
Rise up in the morning.

Blues, pinks,
Oranges and gold
Unfold for me
To contemplate
Like a gift being unwrapped.

Tinkling of wind chimes,
Chirping of birds,
Soaring past to say hello.
No further must I go
Then to my back window.

Clouds pass by.
Some dark,
Gray and foreboding.
Others like big white cotton balls
Against baby blue skies.

Quickly passing at times,
Slowly at others.
Fascinated by their light
The intensity of their glow.
Wondrous.

Amusing me with funny faces
Or a parade of animals
Marching by for my enjoyment
Extract giggles and delight
Open my heart with love and gratitude.

For there I will discover
Love resides.
And I never had to go
Any further than my
Back window.

Waiting

Electrical pulses signal your presence.
Impregnate me with love,
My heart is full,
My life complete.

In your absence,
Loneliness creeps in.
Distance unbearable.
Time a punishment to be served.

But, oh, when I feel your return!
Swept up once again
In the love that is ours alone.
Grateful to know I am yours.

And I wait...
Dreaming of the day
When the dream becomes reality.
I ache in anticipation.

To hold your hand.
To laugh over silly jokes.
To just be.
Contentment.

Until that day arrives,
I dance,
I dream,
And I wait.

Grief

Digital illustration author unknown


If I must cry to release my sorrows then let me cry.
For in this valley of tears, I will create more room for divine love to flow.

Gratitude

Waves of gratitude
Open my heart
For Mahanta,
For you,
For love.

Reflecting upon
Appreciation
For this path I travel,
For this amazing life,
For all of creation.

Miracles
Surround me.
Divine gifts
Given and received,
Recognized.

Leading the way
Like diamonds
Sparkling,
Dancing,
Calling to me.

My eyes open wide in wonder,
My heart blooms tenderly
For the master musician
Orchestrating a masterpiece
To be heard by me alone.

Flocks of birds
Joyous at my remembering
Circle me in flight
Giving me
Wings to fly.

How Do I Know?

How do I know
These arms that hold me tightly
Yet gently within it
As darkness covers us like a warm blanket
Escorting us into our dreamworlds?
How do I know thee presence?
By your love so divine?
By the prints left upon my heart?
Or is it your whispers upon Soul
Leaving me breathless?
The gift of you
Permeates my being.
Can I truly be whole without you?
Or will the hunger devour me
Unmercifully?
No!
It empowers me,
Empowers us,
Leading us to do God's will.
Love is always the answer.
In It we are whole,
Together or apart,
United as one.
Taken higher and higher.
Soaring into the embrace of the highest.
Returning only to do Its bidding.

Shadows

Angry dark beings
Around every corner
Stalking its prey
Threatening to overtake her.
Is there no escape?

Guarding herself
Weary and cautious,
She creeps along
The darkest paths.
Camouflage her only friend.

Sensing their presence,
Hiding behind big ominous trees.
Defenseless and susceptible,
Emotions like giant tsunamis
Threatening to swallow her whole.

Weeping
She silently appeals for help.
The howl of the wind
And the pounding of her heart
Are the only replies.

Impending approach.
Whisperings swirl around her.
Sprinting for safety,
Discovers instead an open field.
Exposed.

Spinning around in place,
Abandoned and bewildered,
She has no choice
Except to face the shadows.
The fear fills her with dread.

Attacking her like an enraged
Swarm of deadly bees.
She prepares to do battle.
Drawing her only weapon...
Love.

In the Arms of Love

Protection.
Warmth.
Nowhere to go.
Nothing to be
Except for me.

Freedom.
Arms outstretched
Held tightly
Surrounded
By a thousand twinkling lights.

Bathed in purity,
Innocence,
Truth.
Becoming one
Within the three.

Me is lost
In all that is.
Illusion shredded
Ripped from me
Like talons piercing my heart.

Humbly allowing
All that is
To replace
All that was.
Recreating me anew.

Vulnerable, I tremble
Under the weight
Of knowingness.
Yes, knowing,
Yet not knowing at all.

Hardly recognizing myself,
I nestle deeper
Into Its embrace.
Knowing I belong,
Accepting my birth right.

The salve of Its love
Soothes my tender wounds.
Heals
Red angry scars
Into pink flesh.

A gift given.
Covenant to be
Fulfilled.
The bride
Awaits her groom.

Sunsets

Sunsets are merely God's reminder to us that the ending of anything can be just as beautiful as the beginning of something.

A Moment

*Photograph taken by: Unknown


A blanket of stars
Winks at me.
Mystified
By incandescent candles,
Radiating royalty,
Throughout the luminous blue sky,
In awe I stand.

Staring above
At its inexplicable beauty.
Gazing in reverance
As tiny dancers waltz
Across the celestial field.
A solo performance,
Invitation only.

Humbled
A tear escapes
For I am dwarfed
In comparison to this giant.
And I wonder,
Do you look down at me
As I look up to you?

Man on the moon,
Are you seeing me
For who I am
Or for who you suppose I be?
Viewing me through a looking glass
Is it my past or my future self
You conceive?

Waves lap upon my feet
Tickling my toes.
Gently bringing me back
Into a moment predisposed.
A kiss from the heavens
Caresses my cheek
Making our time complete.

The Guest House by Rumi

Rumi seems to say it best these last few days for me so here is another...


"This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond."

From Essential Rumi
by Coleman Barks

Rumi

"The minute I heard my first love story,
I started looking for you, not knowing
how blind that was.

Lovers don't finally meet somewhere,
they're in each other all along."

From Essential Rumi
by Coleman Barks


Rumi wrote a lot on love. I find him very wise. This is one of my favorites.

It is You

Somewhere
Somehow
Our hands brush
Our hearts connect,
Beating for one another.

Invisible touches
Tingle.
Sensing you
Soul to Soul
Feeling your presence.

A strong bond
Pulls.
A magnet
Drawing me to you.
Resistance pointless.

I know you.
Throughout eternity,
I have known you.
Never truly forgetting.
Waiting for us to be.

Every step leading
Me to you,
You to me.
Converging upon the path
To divine love.

Smiling,
I open the door.
"It is you,"
I say.
"I knew it would be you."

Love Sang Softly

Sound rises from within.
A melody all my own
Yet shared
Among others.

A single high-pitched note
To an orchestra of many.
It calls.
I listen.

Wind breathes gingerly
Into my ears
Or through them
I cannot tell.

A peculiar thing is,
The Sound is me
And not me.
The same and yet different.

Filling me,
Flowing within and without.
Tingling as it passes through
Not mine to hold.

Singing,
Lifting,
Releasing.
Sound embraces all.


***The Sound of all Sounds is HU. To find out more about the HU, listen to this! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0aEJRQc7o0Y

Acceptance

Feelings burden me,
Weigh me down
Like an anchor plunging
Into the soft sand of the ocean.
What is the cause?

Words of comfort
I whisper to myself.
"Easy now. It will be okay."
Anxiety rushes so deep.
Why?

Questions without answers.
Strong feelings like undercurrents,
Pulling at me,
Ripping me apart.
Origination unknown.

Is it necessary to know?
Maybe not.
Perhaps I need only let them be.
Permitting them to exist
Without reason.

Some days are stormy.
Black clouds hide the sun
Yet it does not mean it is not there
Ever-present
Waiting to shine brighter than ever.

Sun does not wish the storm away
Or take it personal.
It rests patiently behind it
Accepting.
So shall I.

Truth be known,
I know not what I say,
Nor what I do
For I cannot possess it.

A fleeting moment
Like a shooting star.
Presence proclaimed
Disappearing in a breath.

Who am I
But a tool to be used in God's hands.
To shape and be shaped
In accordance with Its will.

I do not exist
Except in and for Its existence.
I am not outside of It
But within the womb of all creation.

The power rushes through me,
Untapped in its potential.
Directed only by the One
I stand clear of myself.

The mind struggles with the immensity
Until put to rest with a divine lullaby.
Love is the question
And yet also the answer.

Letting Go

"Surrender to me your woes,
Your joys and even your love.
Release the mind
So heavy upon your heart."

Carefully placing them in a container,
I hand over a box wrapped in blue
A gold bow positioned meticulously upon it
Like a shining star beckoning the receiver.

Unsure of how to let go,
I hold it a moment longer.
My Master waits patiently,
His love assures me.

Wavering no longer,
I deliver this special package into his arms,
Immediately feeling a release,
A relief from deep within.

"What will be, will be."
I smile as I know it is true.
Suddenly the birds sing
And the sun's rays warm me.

Traveler

"Traveler,
Where do you go?
What do you seek?
Whom do you travel with?"
Asked the man with the twinkling eyes.

"You, Master,"
"I travel with you."
He smiles.
They walk.
Silence dances between them.

He speaks.
She listens intently.
Questions playfully appear and disappear
Existing for a single moment
Gently teasing her to remember.

"Do you know who you are?"
"I am Soul."
"What does it mean to be Soul?"
Pausing, she allowed the words to form.
"Love. Pure, divine love."

Waves washed upon their feet
As the sun rose in all its glory before them.
Watching together the miracle of a new day begin.
The Master took her hand and spoke once more,
"And so it is."

I am love.
You are love.
Recognize it.
Be it.
Enjoy it.

How can we be anything but?
It is our divine right to know and be love.
It is the only thing that matters.
We must know ourselves.
And in this knowing, we discover love.

What other purpose shall we have that will be as worthy?
Never let us stop until we achieve this goal.
Because as we reach into ourselves,
We reach into God.
And from there we can serve the highest.

Forget all you have been told previously.
Forget that you are not worthy in the eyes of many.
For they do not matter.
Let love cleanse you and raise you up.
Let love be all there is and ever was.

You are Soul!
You have wings to fly!
Use them!
Go inwardly and see for yourself,
Truth.

You cannot be held down
For eagles soar.
And you, my friend, are an eagle!

To My Uncle Richie

You once told me, "You are the gift that keeps on giving," but what you didn't know is that so were you! You taught me how to be adventurous, courageous, brave, and to love unconditionally! You taught me to laugh and enjoy life no matter how bad it got or what your circumstances were. You taught me that it wasn't about what you had but what you were able to give that mattered.

I learned to be strong; you had to weather the storm and persevere. I learned that you can make a difference no matter where you are at in life. I learned to be creative. I learned that no matter how little you had, you could always share it with someone else. I learned to love all of life from its tiniest creatures to the biggest.

Today I am missing you. Grief is knocking at my door once again, and I have answered. No sense in ignoring it because it will only come back so I welcome it as I would an old friend. I realize it has come to allow me a way to release the pain I feel in my heart right now, to make my peace with all that has passed, so that I may move on more freely.

So much of my life had been taking care of you and mommy that now that you are both gone I have this big void, and I'm not entirely sure how to fill it, but I am trying. I wonder what would you tell me, Richie? What do you think of all that has come to pass for me?

As tears stream down my face, I acknowledge the sadness but also the joy. I celebrate your life and all of our memories together. I accept the dark moments because they made the light that much brighter; I have become who I am because of them. I am grateful for the time we had together and for all you have given me. I will carry you in my heart always.

It is raining but the sun shines behind the clouds, peeking its head out every now and again for a few short moments. Soon the clouds will gladly part to make way for the sun to shine once again and so it is with life...it goes on whether tears fall or smiles reign, but it doesn't make me miss you any less. I love you!

Heart Dreams

I say unto thee,
"I love you!"
Not with words
But with all of my being.

Singing atoms,
Dancing cells,
In tune divinely
Seeking ever greater heights.

Mingling,
Merging,
Delighting,
We are one.

Rising up!
Cannot be held down.
Power surging
Love igniting

Calling answered.
My heart beats only for thee.
To love and to serve
In capacities not dreamed of.

The yearning of one heart to another cries forth
Like the screaming of a hawk from within.
Heard among the valleys below,
And the vast mountains high.

Soaring on golden wings,
Love searches for its beloved.
Guided by a deep sense of knowingness
Instinctively feeling its presence calling to it.

The rush of the wind fills its inner ears.
I hear you speak
But know not what you say.
Words unformed in its purity.

Can there be such words
Adequate to leave your precious lips?
Or can they not be spoken
Lest they be made profane?

Show me then.
Take me into your arms
And reveal to me your love
In the highest, most divine ways.

My body trembles at love's mere glance.
Its touch burning me with a fire
I have not previously known.
A well of passion not reached before thee.

Lavish me with your kisses
So I may remember you fully
And drink from a cup
Overflowing with all that is good.

Is it that all of life has only been
Leading me unto you and you to I?
Lovers of God serving the Divine through
A merging of the highest qualities between two Souls.

Love by Rumi

Love
Are you fleeing from Love because of a single humiliation?
What do you know of Love except the name?
Love has a hundred forms of pride and disdain,
and is gained by a hundred means of persuasion.
Since Love is loyal, it purchases one who is loyal:
it has no interest in a disloyal companion.
The human being resembles a tree; its root is a covenant with God:
that root must be cherished with all one's might.
A weak covenant is a rotten root, without grace or fruit.
Though the boughs and leaves of the date palm are green,
greenness brings no benefit if the root is corrupt.
If a branch is without green leaves, yet has a good root,
a hundred leaves will put forth their hands in the end.

Guidance

The love that I am is guiding me further and deeper into the heart of God. As I breathe in, I accept God's love into every corner of my being. As I breathe out, I return it to life itself in service to all that which is and always has been. Am I nothing if I cannot be used for the Divine Plan? Has my life served no purpose if I have failed to see the love within myself and others?

If Soul is calling and I do not answer then I have missed an opportunity. Let me not fail to see. Open the doors of love, and I shall walk through them. Lead me into the secret places within myself so I may discover my own divinity so that I may serve the highest and greatest good.

No Expectations

When you truly love someone, you can only love them for love's sake with no expectations of anything in return.

Where Will Your Heart Guide You?

"A good friend once told me to follow my heart, I wonder...is he following his?"

The Dance of Soul

My body rocks in rhythm to the notes that promenade in and out of my consciousness.
Mind becomes lost in Sound.
Mortal figurine falls away as Soul is gracefully elevated into the planes.
Twirling like a prima ballerina to the harmony drifting around and through me.

The Light bursts forth from deep inside, as the Sound carries me within Itself,
No more am I a part of this world so heavy.
I have shed your oppressive cloak and replaced it with a luminous wrap of golden stars,
Twinkling across me on a bed of white light.

A prodigious blue star beckons to me,
Singing to me like you would imagine a choir of angels to lull an infant into the dream worlds,
With a subtle, soft touch that quietly stirs you deeply, profoundly,
Raising you up to levels beyond human comprehension.

A strong hand reaches for yours, and you see your partner in this enfoldment.
His love encompasses you, warms you, and guides you.
Unspoken words pass between you as he leads you further into the Light and Sound of God.
Truth permeates your very being, reaching into the very core of you.
You are familiar with Its touch, and It naturally resonates within.

Your inner guide chaperones you throughout the universes and safely back again.
Waltzing to a beat that only you and he can hear, one that is orchestrated just for you.
Pirouetting gently into your physical temple, awakening to a life that waits to serve you as you wait to serve It.
The dance of Soul has only just begun.

When It's Over...or Is it? (Part 2)

What keeps married couples together after the fire dies down? Idealistically two people who love each other would work together to keep that fire going, but this isn't always the case. More often than not, people get comfortable and start to take each other for granted. Staying together becomes more of a habit; let's face it, it's secure and dealing with what you know is way better than facing the unknown. It's not an easy choice to say, this is no longer working for me/us but to stay, for me, is like living the biggest lie ever.

Divorce is mostly seen as a four-letter word but maybe there's another way to view it. Could it be that sometimes a divorce is a gift you give each other? I mean, people change, why wouldn't marriages? Granted, not every marriage is doomed to fail. There is hope if a couple truly loves each other and they are willing to go the extra mile to make it happen. What are the qualities that comprise a successful union of the heart? I will have to use my imagination because I haven't had a "successful" marriage yet, but I am not giving up hope. Remember, I'm a romantic at heart.

Don't let the fire burn down. Keep it interesting. Keep it somewhat mysterious. Explore little ways you can keep the excitement going in your relationship. There are hundreds of ideas popping in my head even as I type this, but here are only a couple so you get the idea. Wear jeans and a t-shirt every day? Throw on a skirt and some make-up...ladies only, hopefully, but whatever floats your boat. Always have dinner on the run or on paper plates? Pull out the good china and some candles, try a new recipe, and send the kids to Grandmom's once in a while.

Men, you are not exempt. Do you always absentmindedly kiss your wife as you are blazing out the door in the morning or not at all? Take a few minutes longer and give her a kiss that will make her think about you the rest of the day. Never underestimate the power of a real kiss.

Come home for lunch once in a while. What a great way to stimulate the rest of your day. Schedules allowing, of course. Surprise is always a plus factor if it is done with love. And you fall into a rut easily when you are doing the same things day in and day out. Don't let it happen! And if it is happening, pull out the first aid kit quick! It's never too late if you are both willing to work at it. If not it's like paddling a boat with one oar, you get nowhere fast.

Take time to appreciate each other and all the things you do throughout the day.

Accept each other for who you are faults and all. They were okay when you first got into the relationship. Why aren't they okay now? If something really gets on your nerves, don't harbor resentment. Find the right time, the right words, and talk about it. If someone gets defensive or emotions get involved, let it go, walk away. Chances are, given some space, he/she will have a change of heart if they know it is important to you. And, if not, you may have to decide how much it really matters in the grander scheme of things.

Take time to connect and reconnect. It's so easy to get lost in the stress of every day stuff. Have a date night. Have fun! It doesn't have to be a night out on the town. Take a long drive together, pack a picnic, read poetry to each other if you both like poetry... Dance in your living room! Be spontaneous!

Falling in love is the easy part; staying in love takes work but it can be fun if you let it.

When It's Over (Part 1)

Sometimes love between two people runs its course; a relationship has been taken as far as it is able to go. It is a wise person who knows and accepts when this is so and even wiser still when the couple together come to this logical but painful conclusion. Nevertheless, the challenges of ending a short or long-term affair are never easy. And if you add in factors like the length of time you invested in each other, finances, assets, or children then you up the ante. Suddenly you find yourself in a nightmare whether parting ways is the "right" thing to do or not.

Love can be complicated but only because we make it so. Humans like to put conditions on everything! We need things to be ordered and make sense. Or maybe it isn't even everyone...it could be just me.

Perhaps we expect too much out of relationships. Why is a marriage forever? Is that realistic? Or is that an unnecessary pressure we put on ourselves? Could it be possible that some marriages aren't supposed to last forever? What if this legal bond served a purpose and that purpose is not forever after? What would they be? I have my own sneaky suspicions but I will leave you to find your own answers. Mine may not be yours.

Could it be that love in a marriage does not end but changes form? In the beginning it is a fiery passion fueling this bond. If we didn't have that, why would anyone feel motivated to get married in the first place? I would think you would have to feel like you couldn't live without this person to make such a commitment, but I'm speaking from a learning curve and my own interpretation. In fact I seem to have more questions than answers at this point. And, even if I do have a few answers, I can't promise you I won't change my mind tomorrow. It's my prerogative, and I use it quite frequently.

So chemistry brings us together but what keeps us together? Blood, sweat, and tears? Hopefully, it's not quite that drastic but I may be onto something.

(to be continued...)

Love Revealed

Unnoticed
Little things slip by.
No eyes to see.

Chaos
Distracts
Hides.

Awaken.
Details shimmer.
Love reveals Itself.

Slowing down,
I see!
Love smiling back at me.

Within.
Without.
No more doubt.

Love is
Everywhere
Everyone.

Bathing
Soaking
In Its presence.

Giving.
Receiving.
Being love.

Divine Love vs Human Love: Is There a Difference?

After a discussion about this very topic, I find myself tumbling these ideas around in my mind and in my heart. I came up with an answer that makes sense for now, at least for me. Nothing is written in stone. As we learn, our answers grow. Maybe our questions do, too.

Divine love is limitless. Divine love becomes human love when we put restrictions upon it. Divine love is unconditional while its counterpart has strings attached. One offers complete freedom, and the other restricts to some extent. Even so I do not see one as less than the other because, to me, human love is divine love being practiced. And as long as our attention is on love then we will attract love. One way we can bring more love into our lives is by singing HU, a love song to God.

"Singing HU can:

- Expand your awareness.
- Help you experience divine love.
- Heal a broken heart.
- Offer solace during times of grief.
- Bring peace and calm."

"Singing HU draws one closer to God. With eyes open or closed, take a few deep breaths and relax. Then begin to sing HU (pronounced like the word hue) in a long, drawn out sound: HU-U-U-U. Take another breath, and sing HU again. Continue for up to twenty minutes. Sing HU with a feeling of love, and it will gradually open your heart to God."

"When your day is hard, remember to sing HU. It puts you back in line with the Holy Spirit." Harold Klemp, The Slow Burning Love of God, page 25

For more information about HU and the teachings of ECKANKAR, visit www.hearHU.org. Call 1-800-LOVE GOD or write:
Eckankar,
Dept F28
PO Box 2000
Chanhassen, MN 55317-2000

Fear of Love Dissolved

Feelings of abandonment, rejection, and neglect are not always skin deep; sometimes fears stretch lifetimes in depth. Receiving love seems like it should be a given; it is, afterall, our God-given right but not everyone is able and of those who are not, hardly any understand why. It is complicated or at least that is the illusion we are fed. Answers in our childhood may offer clues but often one must dig much further to discover the full truth. In my experience the only way to do that is to look within because all of the answers are there waiting to be found again.

In creating our own worlds, we often choose what is familiar to us. We weave our stories out of the same cloth that we have chosen time and time again until we are ready to fabricate a story from better, higher quality cloth. And, as the saying goes, "When the student is ready, the master will appear."

She searched and searched for answers she thought would never come but quitting was not an option, somehow she knew her life depended on it. Every day she would search her inner worlds for the truth she had hidden from herself until quite suddenly the light began to shine upon it. Black and white images flashed before the screen of her mind like old movies playing upon an old-fashioned reel, the click clicking sounding in her ears as each image passed by.

The Master held her hand as the sobbing wracked her body and tears poured from her eyes. Together they observed one scenario after another as love unrequited left her feeling alone and deserted in lifetime after lifetime. All the hurt and pain like big crusty mounds crumbled off of her, and she could start to feel the weight of it lifting immediately. What seemed like an eternity later, it was over.

Holding her tightly the Master whispered, "It is over now. You are free to love and be loved. Nothing more stands in your way." Again she wept but now her tears were no longer of sorrow but of happiness and joy.

As he turned to part, he faced her once more. "Follow your heart. Trust me and trust yourself. You are free!" She realized her whole life story had been based upon these fears. She felt like a prisoner who had been set free from her past, and it had taken a journey to the temple within herself to discover the key she had carried all along.

Life is yours for the taking! If it is not what you want, it is within your power alone to change it.

Taking Inventory: What I've Learned About Love

- When you ask to be shown love, be ready for anything! And, remember, you asked for it. The old saying applies, "Be careful what you wish for because you just may get it."

- Love knows NO bounds, no time, no space, and certainly NO limits.

- Love will push you as far as you can go, and sometimes a little further than that.

- Love is unconditional in its divine form; in human form...not so much.

- Love will stretch you to grow, and sometimes that hurts...a LOT!

- Love is a bed of roses, but that means the thorns, too.

- Love can be as loud as thunder and a lightening bolt to the senses, but other times it is only a whisper stirring in your heart.

- Love is shared and can come from the most unlikely of places.

- Love in the form of friendship means they will stick by your side even when the brown stuff hits the fan and spreads to all of its surrounding areas.

- Love can challenge you in the most unexpected ways.

- Love, or maybe the idea of love, can make you do things you never thought were possible.

- Too much love, too soon, can make you a little crazy.

- Love is patient, even if you aren't.

- Love will forever change you, and there is no going back.

- Love NEVER dies. It may transform, but it will never cease to exist.

- Love is a gift. Treasure it. Don't take advantage of it and don't hold onto it too tightly because you will lose it.

- Love is not for the faint of heart.

This is the short list. Some things about love cannot be spoken in words. And, other things...I guess, I am still learning.

Destiny

Be still, my heart.
Love is here.
I feel its presence,
Pulling you near.

A gift from God,
Filling you up.
It lights the way,
A path of stardust.

Truth be known,
Its always been.
Waiting for you
Within.

Take courage and see!
What others cannot.
And so it has been written
On the blank pages of our heart.

Do not be afraid
For every moment has been
Leading you to fulfill
Your destiny.

Untitled

Eerie silence saturates the void.
The earth's axle stationary.
Life has relinquished itself.
I am no more.

Someone tell my body
Meandering like a lost Soul,
It has not realized
And so it wanders still.

Softly, whispers fill a mind that is not awake.
Tingling sensations stir,
Commanding me to be roused.
"Come to me," the silence beckons.

Seduction tastes my lips.
Entices me into its arms.
Breathing its fire upon me longingly,
Reviving what once was.

Feeling powerless under its control.
Eyes bear into me.
Waves of desire hypnotize me.
Deep inside I know I cannot go.

My Master patiently awaits me,
Arms wide open.
Turning and running into them,
Not looking back.

The Call of Soul is Love

I am what I am.
It's all I can be.
Soul is calling,
Waiting for me to see.

Pressures build.
My world crumbles apart.
Life is overbearing.
Pulling me to start.

Create new worlds!
Love them into existence!
For the old is past,
The future transcendent.

Raise me up!
High above it all.
Take from me my fears,
I cannot fall.

Allow me clarity,
To look beyond the fog.
For love ever-present
Awaits me even in the bog.

The call of Soul
Rips illusions away.
Leaving only love
To come and stay.

The call of Soul has always been
Love everlasting, complete and whole.
Only our human self under the influence of mind
Loses all control, making us feel left behind.

A Letter to Mom

Spinning the hands of time backwards, I can see the exact moment I decided I hated you.

Screaming and yelling, banging, more screaming and the pillow over my head could not shut it out. I slipped out of bed, my small body shaking in fear and crept down the hallway to the stairs. One soft step at a time, I made it halfway down the stairwell before the two of you were in full view. I was maybe 4 or 5, sitting in my little pink pajamas on the steps, watching my dad break your nose. I hated him but I also hated you because you didn't defend yourself; you didn't defend me! Why did you let him hurt us? My little mind could not make sense of it.

Adolescence was even more difficult. Our relationship became more strained when I realized you didn't want me. In fact you had never wanted me, and you made it a point to tell me so. My anger at you boiled over, and it was just one more reason to feel justified for having these feelings towards you. I became rebellious, wild, and reckless to try and make you pay for not loving me yet you never seemed to notice. Not that we didn't have our good days, but they were far and few between.

Until I became a mother myself I couldn't even begin to come to terms with some of the intense feelings I had about you. We had a long hard road ahead of us; we did manage to work through enough of it that we could be civil to each other. As I observed you play with your grandsons, I would wonder silently how you were able to give to them so freely the love I had always longed for but you were incapable of giving.

Since you have recently taken leave of this world, I have been left with a whirlwind of feelings and wondering what to do with it all. All the unanswered questions are still there, and I have come to realize that they may always be there. It is only now I am able to say and truly mean it, I forgive you. You did the best you knew how, and I accept that. If you could've loved me better, I am sure you would have. I know I was not unlovable but rather it was your inability to love and that's okay. Even more than that, I forgive myself, and I am going to be okay. In truth I am already okay, I just have to remember I am.

So, Mom, I only would like to say, I love you and thank you for all the many lessons because it has reminded me of who I am. I have learned to be strong, compassionate, loving, and a wealth of other qualities. There was no other way to really learn except to experience it so I am grateful.

Wishing you love on your continued journey wherever it may take you.

True Love Needs Nothing

My heart has always had a mind of its own, and I have always been aware enough to realize that. Most times I have been true to it, and I have followed it no matter where it might lead. When I was not able to trust myself or where my heart was guiding me was the times I have gotten into the most trouble. I understand that now.

In the stillness of the morning, I allow myself to go within, for there and only there are the answers that I seek. It is a practice I have come to completely rely on. During tumultuous bouts of uncertainty such as the ones I have been experiencing, I have come to realize I have stopped trusting what it is I am receiving. I have let doubts fill me and incapacitate me. No more. My heart has never steered me wrong. My mind, on the other hand, thrives on confusion.

Love cannot be thought into existence because it is already there. If we choose to share it with another then it is a precious gift and need be treated as such for it to grow exponentially. If not it will wither away into nothingness like a plant that does not receive enough water, light, or loving care. Perhaps it was this subconscious knowledge within me that had sent me barreling out like a bull in a china shop in search of a love that is real and true. Little did I know, it was already there.

Relationships of an intimate kind have always been painful for me. Is it because I was looking for someone else to complete me? Why did I think I was not whole already? The realization has struck me like a lightning bolt to the heart. I am already who I wish to be and I need no other to fulfill my preconceived beliefs about it.

Of course, not needing anyone does not mean I will never have another intimate relationship. It seems only natural that when one truly is love then they have no choice but to endow it to others, although one need not be in a relationship to do this. In fact it gives me the opportunity to have one now more than ever, and the chances of it succeeding will be tenfold because of this new perspective. It says, you can be who you are and I can be who I am. We can respect and honor that about each other and, in doing so, we are free to allow love to be shared between us on its terms and not dictated by our own foolish ideas. True love needs nothing except to be. How we choose to express it is up to us.

Love is a Four-Letter Word

Major changes lodge me precariously on the edge of something I don't quite understand, not that I understood that much to begin with, but definitely and not especially now. There is a darkness present at the moment, hanging over me like an overbearing bully, and it taunts and challenges me. Exhausted I stare defiantly at it, feeling much like a lightweight wrestler or a boxer who is going up against the champ who is double his height and three times his weight. He has been pulverized in the ring but refuses to stay down. This is where I am at.

It's not that I don't want to give up, but I can't. I'm like the punching bag that gets whacked over and over again and yet pops back up. Given the choice I would probably play dead, but it isn't in me. I'm not sure why. It's both a blessing and a curse.

As ridiculous as it sounds, I feel as if love has deserted me. "What makes now so different?" I wonder. Certainly there have been other times in my physical existence where love seemed to be a not so nice four-letter word. For some reason, though, it is different this time. Maybe it is because I am in the process of a transformation of sorts.

My life has been one critical event after another, but they usually come one at a time, not all at once. Sometimes there was even a period of rest in between them, but it is not so at the moment. Presently I feel as if a pile of manure has been dumped over my head, burying me completely, and I am blinking back the tears so as not to make a bad situation worse. What makes matters more difficult is that I am the cause of at least part of it, necessary but still unpleasant. The timing may have been completely off, but who would've known?

Even still, throughout it all, I have realized that love is love. It does not care about the details of my every day affairs. It has no vested interest in what I think or feel or say or do. It just is. What does that mean? I'm not sure. I am still in the process of discovering.

All I do know is from my earliest days there have been times when I have known great absences of love, and I have tried time and time again to fill that void by giving as much love as I was possibly capable of. I did this because I knew in some strange way that this was me, this was my mission, to be and give love. What I didn't know is that I was missing perhaps the other integral part of the equation...receiving love. Maybe this is the key. One must have a balance of not only giving love but receiving it.

Some people are so battered by love gone wrong that they never allow themselves to be open to it again. To me this is incredibly sad. Alfred Lord Tennyson said, "It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all." I tend to agree.

I am on the opposite end of the spectrum. The more I suffer, the more determined I am to discover true love, except nowadays after much turmoil I am willing to let true love find me. And, if I get hurt in the process, then I will pick myself up, dust myself off, and try, try, try again because I cannot imagine a life forever without it. In fact I don't think that it's even in my genetics to do so.

This quote sums it up quite nicely for me. "If you have it [Love], you don't need to have anything else, and if you don't have it, it doesn't matter much what else you have." ~ Sir James M. Barrie. And so it is.

Where Now?

Sitting here, looking at this computer screen stare back at me. It's bright white page glaring at me like it is saying, "Write something...anything...come on, do it!" But there's an emptiness inside that I can't seem to fill with words, and I am speechless. I will just write and see what comes out. There's always the delete button, right?

I'm in Costa Rica. It's a beautiful, tranquil place to be, but I've discovered something. Without love it is just another place. I am realizing more and more how important love really is in the grand scheme of things, yes, but also in the little things. With love you feel empowered to do anything! Put an 'S' on my chest and call me superwoman cause I can take on the world, but subtract love from the equation and you have found my kryptonite. I struggle like a turtle who has been turned upside down.

Love isn't something outside of us, though, so why do I feel this way? Why do any of us feel this way? We don't need someone else to fulfill that part of us; it is already there. All the same, I can't explain it, I feel as if something is missing. Here I am again on this cliff, looking down, looking up, looking within and wondering what now? Where do I go from here? Anywhere I want, I suppose, but I only dream of love. Everything else doesn't seem to matter too much.

Changing My Story

Michael Roberts was the first boy I ever kissed. Michael and I were both 7-years-old and in 2nd grade together. He had the cutest freckles, and I couldn't resist. I was a VERY brave child! Guess what? He kissed me right back! Of course, it didn't last but I've never forgotten. There's just something about a first kiss that stays with you. I bet even as you read this you are remembering yours. Love can be innocent, but it doesn't usually stay that way, at least not for me.

Those days saw the first of a lot of things for me. I made my First Confession and my First Holy Communion. I got a big girl bike, a yellow Scwinn, for my birthday. And my dad began going to AA (Alcoholics Anonymous). When you love someone who has an addiction, whether it is a parent, sibling, child or spouse, the definition of love is tested and stretched. Another facet of love appears, and it is called tough love.

Love seemed very complicated to me back then. (Maybe it still does and that's why I'm writing this blog?) My ideas about love soon became beliefs, which then became my reality. A long time later, I am really starting to see that. The trick seems to be not only in recognizing it, but then knowing what to do afterwards.

My life is not written in stone. Maybe I cannot change my past, but I certainly have the power to change my future. Over the last 13 years, I have been taking conscious steps to do that. Baby steps, slow and steady, but I had to begin somewhere.

Changing my story, transforming my life, is an on-going process. It's a LOT of learning, falling down, bouncing back up, and getting totally frustrated with myself. Some days I totally hate it! Other days I laugh or cry hysterically as I try yet again to turn my life this way or that way and it comes around like a boomerang and knocks me on my rump.

After I recover from the initial shock of having gotten it wrong AGAIN, I dust myself off and prepare for battle. I am 100% committed! No one can do it but me, and I will! So what if it takes me a few hundred tries? At least I am making the effort. I suppose God made me stubborn for a reason!

Heart Not For Sale

Whirl me around the world
Buy me fancy gifts.
Pamper me with glitz and glimmer
But something is still amiss.

Love doesn't come in boxes
Or wear silken shirts.
It isn't the newest car
That fills my empty heart.

Love is priceless.
No dollar amount.
A lone sign reads:
Heart not for sale.

My Garden

Love blooms in my garden. I have tenderly planted the seeds, watered them with care, and set them in a place where they can receive the light they need. At night I sing softly to them and they respond by sharing their beauty with me.

It dawns on me that it would be nice to be this tender with myself. Carefully selecting the seeds I wish to see bloom within because eventually what I sow, I will reap. My thoughts are like these seeds. Am I nurturing the ones I want to cultivate? Am I uprooting the ones I don't? Weeds can grow so quickly, totally destroying and overtaking a garden if not handled immediately. Insects and pests can eat away at my precious flowers. It is up to me to make sure that doesn't happen.

I am planting love in my consciousness and in my heart. I am singing HU (pronounced hue), a love song to God, to open my heart and allow love to enter. I am showering myself with gentleness and kindness. Ever vigilant I watch, promptly plucking unnecessary thoughts from my mind that might strangle and harm these fragile buds.

And, once my garden is grown, it will be rich with color, delighting the senses. All of God's creatures will be attracted to its warmth and gather. Butterflies fluttering around the bushes. Birds chirping joyfully in the trees. Fish gladly swimming in its pond. Children laughing and playing on its grounds. Such a place of love, Light and Sound I will build.

Everything I Know Came From My Pets

Some days life is like a jet plane, flying by you at mach speeds and you wonder, " Where is the love?" This is often a signal to me to slow it back down, take it easy, and love with all of my heart. Love who? Anyone! Anything! Just love!

My pets have always been, since the wee days of my earliest years, a great source of pure love. When I was unable to trust not another single person, these angels disguised in various furry or feathered packages would come to my rescue being my sacred confidante whom I would share my deepest, darkest secrets with. When I could fill a room with all the tears I shed, one of them would always come to comfort me. They were my saving grace when I felt like I had no other.

Puddles (never let a three-year-old name a dog) was a shepherd mix. She was my first dog, and she got her name because she left happy trails wherever she went. My dog ended up being more of my uncle's dog, but she taught me a lot about discipline. If I would run through the house with my neighbor's children, she would nip at our feet until we sat and quieted. She ran a tight ship!

Our cats (and there were many) seemed to sense when I needed a friend to play with, allowing me to wheel them in strollers and dress them in doll clothes. They were very tolerant of me and so taught me tolerance of others.

When Puddles and Sunshine had both of their litters nearly back to back, I learned about the miracle of birth and stared in wonder and some disgust. As the puppies grew older, what fun we had! Their exuberance was contagious and laughter filled the room when they were in it. Imagine laying on the floor with ten excited little souls pouncing all over you, tickling and kissing you so happy just to be alive. I can't help but smile at even the thought of it.

The animals we have had throughout the years, especially in my youngest years, were many in numbers. There were turtles, fish, hamsters, gerbils, rabbits, ferrets, guinea pigs, snakes, mice, birds...you name it, and we've had it! From the smallest to the largest, they all had a wonderful gift or message to bestow. I will share more of their stories in the future for their lessons and their love are too vast for this one post.

Divine Intervention

Thinking a lot about protection. How many times in our lifetime do we receive divine intervention and don't even realize it? Sometimes events happen that are so large in scope there really is no other explanation except for a supreme helping hand. This, to me, is one such experience.

Driving from downtown to my mom's, bee-bopping along to tunes on the radio, I am cruising along at 25 mph through a residential area. I near an intersection but noticing the light is green I keep chugging along. Through my peripheral vision enters a white car barreling at me oblivious to its red light. I am looking out of my driver's side window as it approaches me. This person is obviously traveling at a speed way above the limit judging by the screech of the tires.

In a way it seems impossible that I will come out of this in one piece, if at all; but, for some reason, I don't react and automatically press on my brakes or panic. Instead I keep advancing like la dee da, nothing going on here, and witness this vehicle preparing to bulldoze me through my driver's side window! The bewildered speed racer comes to a stop, and I make it through safely, counting my blessings. Whew! Close call! Too close!

But how often do we receive assistance in much more subtle ways? A "wrong" turn here, late getting out of bed there, or kids who aren't cooperating could all be a well-placed stall tactic for your greater benefit that goes unnoticed. Those are the kind we may never know about, but they happen. I think I will certainly think twice the next time I have to take a detour or I'm stuck in traffic. Maybe I will even be grateful when my telephone rings for the third time as I try and run out the door.

Love Victorious

One small crevice,
Past the weary soldiers.
Subtly slipping through,
Patiently waiting,
Seedling germinating in a miniscule corner of my heart.

Guards awaken.
Shining their beams into blackness,
Searching for intruders
But never seeing
A sapling flourishes unimpeded.

Roots tunnel underground.
Silently building strength,
Firmly connecting,
Growing ever larger,
Harder to hide.

The mind dreams.
Soul discovers the stowaway
And whispers into its vessel gleefully,
"Love is here!"
The body stirs and awakens.

Panicking the mind asks,
"How can this be so?
The fortress is solid.
Sentinels stand erect and at the ready.
This cannot be!"

Soul takes mind by the hand
Down deep dark passageways, they travel.
Sapling no more.
A mighty tree stands in its place.
Buds blooming on its branches.

Soul is ecstatic at its find.
What an amazing discovery!
Mind rebels but then softens,
Letting down its defenses.
Love thrives.

Intensity heightens.
Walls crumble.
Sheer power threatens.
Infantry stumbles to regain control.
Too late.
Love victorious reigns!

Gifts of Love

Driving down long, windy roads canopied by green treetops, golden light glistening through the leaves, gives the illusion of being somewhere inherently magical. Radio off I allow the birds to occasionally sing to me with periods of complete silence in between, save the hum of my van's engine and the tires crackling on the paved ground. Once in a while a tiny chipmunk would scurry across my path, and I would admonish them for taking such risks.

Entering an open area with luscious green grass, polka-dotted with yellow and purple wild flowers, I felt like I was traveling through a canvas painted purely for my benefit. The screech of hawks drew my attention upward, and I slowed down to nearly a crawl so I could observe a flock of them circling around like a ballerina pirouetting amongst the clouds. I felt in awe of such beauty and a deep connection with the land below, the skies above, and all of its creatures.

I continued my journey with no real destination in mind, content to be in the moment. Deep in the forest once again, I was lost within myself when a giant image made its appearance from the side startling me. Its wings spread out before me, rising up parallel with my passenger side windshield from a ditch below. Even as I instinctively pressed down on my brakes, time appeared to slow and what happened in seconds seemed like minutes. Its wing was at least three or four feet in length, and I was mesmerized by its grandeur.

Being so close I could observe the separation of its dark brown feathers spread out like a paper fan. As it came more fully into my view and before flying above it, our eyes met momentarily. It couldn't have been more than a split second but time gave the impression it had stopped completely and all motion with it. There we were, myself and this majestic, golden eagle. Did it feel as much admiration for me as I did for it? I doubted it but right then nothing else mattered. Time resumed and this impressive being flew off. I could think of nothing else the rest of the day.

The blessings of these gifts make me grateful to be able to bear witness to such splendor and love. Only one question tumbles upon my mind, how can I return the love that has been so generously bestowed upon me?

The Fairy Tale

Kissing a lot of frogs to get to your Prince Charming? Keep kissing...this may take a while. Or is there a better way?

Growing up I thought love was something in between "The Young and the Restless" and all my grandmother's romantic magazines. Oh, and don't forget all the "Cinderella" and "Sleeping Beauty" stories every little girl is fed an unhealthy diet of. As a teenager, it was the Harlequin romance novels we passed around school that influenced me most. I think after all of that conditioning any man may have had a hard time living up to my skewed expectations.

If that weren't enough, love was kind of a weird thing around my house, dysfunctional at best. Let's face it, when a five letter word beginning with 'b' and ending in 'h' becomes your pet name and a way of showing affection, you have to know something isn't right. But having become proficient in what love isn't, I feel it is time to move on to what love is.

Have I gotten any closer to the answer? Sometimes I think I have. And, other times, it feels like nothing more than imagination at its best. Some nice fantasy to distract you from the cold, hard reality of life. If it is real then it is very elusive. I suppose this is the skeptic in me coming out of the closet. If love is out there, I challenge it to find me, to prove its existence. If it is all around us then it shouldn't be so hard to find.

Of course, I am speaking about human love now. Divine love seems to be a given, at least for me. We could not be here without it. Maybe the problem lies not in the existence of love, but in the interpretation of it. What if knowing love depends on our awareness of it? How do you get to know true love?

It is said to get more love, you have to give more love. This makes me frown. I give love every day in every way I can. Am I missing an ingredient? Is there something more to it than this? Most of my adult life has been spent taking care of others mostly at my own expense so I had to learn about self-love. If you have never had a problem loving yourself, you have no idea how incredibly hard it is to start. Everyone suddenly becomes your enemy because who are you to put yourself first? It's been a bit of a challenge.

Once I overcame that obstacle to some degree, others came to take its place. I have to tell you, some days it appears like the whole world is conspiring against me. I take ten steps forward and slide back twenty. These are the days when I am either in a ball on the floor crying for mercy or throwing my hands up in the air in a temper tantrum that would make any two-year-old look like an angel.

This is where I'm at on my path, kicking and screaming most of the way. On my good days, I really want to believe in knights in shining armor on white horses, but how practical is that? If I did see one charging down the streets of Philadelphia, I'd more than likely run in the other direction. On my bad days, i would like to burn every fairy tale ever printed. Where am I at on that scale today? Stuck somewhere in the middle wanting to believe but finding many more reasons not to. So is there a better way? I'm really not sure. I'll have to get back to you on that.