True Love Needs Nothing

My heart has always had a mind of its own, and I have always been aware enough to realize that. Most times I have been true to it, and I have followed it no matter where it might lead. When I was not able to trust myself or where my heart was guiding me was the times I have gotten into the most trouble. I understand that now.

In the stillness of the morning, I allow myself to go within, for there and only there are the answers that I seek. It is a practice I have come to completely rely on. During tumultuous bouts of uncertainty such as the ones I have been experiencing, I have come to realize I have stopped trusting what it is I am receiving. I have let doubts fill me and incapacitate me. No more. My heart has never steered me wrong. My mind, on the other hand, thrives on confusion.

Love cannot be thought into existence because it is already there. If we choose to share it with another then it is a precious gift and need be treated as such for it to grow exponentially. If not it will wither away into nothingness like a plant that does not receive enough water, light, or loving care. Perhaps it was this subconscious knowledge within me that had sent me barreling out like a bull in a china shop in search of a love that is real and true. Little did I know, it was already there.

Relationships of an intimate kind have always been painful for me. Is it because I was looking for someone else to complete me? Why did I think I was not whole already? The realization has struck me like a lightning bolt to the heart. I am already who I wish to be and I need no other to fulfill my preconceived beliefs about it.

Of course, not needing anyone does not mean I will never have another intimate relationship. It seems only natural that when one truly is love then they have no choice but to endow it to others, although one need not be in a relationship to do this. In fact it gives me the opportunity to have one now more than ever, and the chances of it succeeding will be tenfold because of this new perspective. It says, you can be who you are and I can be who I am. We can respect and honor that about each other and, in doing so, we are free to allow love to be shared between us on its terms and not dictated by our own foolish ideas. True love needs nothing except to be. How we choose to express it is up to us.

The Fairy Tale

Kissing a lot of frogs to get to your Prince Charming? Keep kissing...this may take a while. Or is there a better way?

Growing up I thought love was something in between "The Young and the Restless" and all my grandmother's romantic magazines. Oh, and don't forget all the "Cinderella" and "Sleeping Beauty" stories every little girl is fed an unhealthy diet of. As a teenager, it was the Harlequin romance novels we passed around school that influenced me most. I think after all of that conditioning any man may have had a hard time living up to my skewed expectations.

If that weren't enough, love was kind of a weird thing around my house, dysfunctional at best. Let's face it, when a five letter word beginning with 'b' and ending in 'h' becomes your pet name and a way of showing affection, you have to know something isn't right. But having become proficient in what love isn't, I feel it is time to move on to what love is.

Have I gotten any closer to the answer? Sometimes I think I have. And, other times, it feels like nothing more than imagination at its best. Some nice fantasy to distract you from the cold, hard reality of life. If it is real then it is very elusive. I suppose this is the skeptic in me coming out of the closet. If love is out there, I challenge it to find me, to prove its existence. If it is all around us then it shouldn't be so hard to find.

Of course, I am speaking about human love now. Divine love seems to be a given, at least for me. We could not be here without it. Maybe the problem lies not in the existence of love, but in the interpretation of it. What if knowing love depends on our awareness of it? How do you get to know true love?

It is said to get more love, you have to give more love. This makes me frown. I give love every day in every way I can. Am I missing an ingredient? Is there something more to it than this? Most of my adult life has been spent taking care of others mostly at my own expense so I had to learn about self-love. If you have never had a problem loving yourself, you have no idea how incredibly hard it is to start. Everyone suddenly becomes your enemy because who are you to put yourself first? It's been a bit of a challenge.

Once I overcame that obstacle to some degree, others came to take its place. I have to tell you, some days it appears like the whole world is conspiring against me. I take ten steps forward and slide back twenty. These are the days when I am either in a ball on the floor crying for mercy or throwing my hands up in the air in a temper tantrum that would make any two-year-old look like an angel.

This is where I'm at on my path, kicking and screaming most of the way. On my good days, I really want to believe in knights in shining armor on white horses, but how practical is that? If I did see one charging down the streets of Philadelphia, I'd more than likely run in the other direction. On my bad days, i would like to burn every fairy tale ever printed. Where am I at on that scale today? Stuck somewhere in the middle wanting to believe but finding many more reasons not to. So is there a better way? I'm really not sure. I'll have to get back to you on that.