My heart has always had a mind of its own, and I have always been aware enough to realize that. Most times I have been true to it, and I have followed it no matter where it might lead. When I was not able to trust myself or where my heart was guiding me was the times I have gotten into the most trouble. I understand that now.
In the stillness of the morning, I allow myself to go within, for there and only there are the answers that I seek. It is a practice I have come to completely rely on. During tumultuous bouts of uncertainty such as the ones I have been experiencing, I have come to realize I have stopped trusting what it is I am receiving. I have let doubts fill me and incapacitate me. No more. My heart has never steered me wrong. My mind, on the other hand, thrives on confusion.
Love cannot be thought into existence because it is already there. If we choose to share it with another then it is a precious gift and need be treated as such for it to grow exponentially. If not it will wither away into nothingness like a plant that does not receive enough water, light, or loving care. Perhaps it was this subconscious knowledge within me that had sent me barreling out like a bull in a china shop in search of a love that is real and true. Little did I know, it was already there.
Relationships of an intimate kind have always been painful for me. Is it because I was looking for someone else to complete me? Why did I think I was not whole already? The realization has struck me like a lightning bolt to the heart. I am already who I wish to be and I need no other to fulfill my preconceived beliefs about it.
Of course, not needing anyone does not mean I will never have another intimate relationship. It seems only natural that when one truly is love then they have no choice but to endow it to others, although one need not be in a relationship to do this. In fact it gives me the opportunity to have one now more than ever, and the chances of it succeeding will be tenfold because of this new perspective. It says, you can be who you are and I can be who I am. We can respect and honor that about each other and, in doing so, we are free to allow love to be shared between us on its terms and not dictated by our own foolish ideas. True love needs nothing except to be. How we choose to express it is up to us.
I am amazed at how you can say something so personal and yet, it expressed my own story as well, even the parts that were not yet on the surface of my consciousness. I'll bet there are others, too, who relate. Thank you for sharing. I have a little more courage now to trust myself and stop second-guessing my own circumstances.
ReplyDeleteI just want to thank you for your support, Annie. You are worth trusting. :)
ReplyDeleteAh, thanks, Tammy. You know when you encouraged me to start a blog and I sort of did, and then I read some of it back and kinda liked it and was proud of my story choices, well, then I read yours and wow, I have a ways to go. My last story was about weeds! Ha ha. A long way from your lovely musings. Well, we'll just keep going, maybe there's an audience for both. I'll pop back now and then for sure. Sadly, blogspot does not yet have an automatic notice of new postings. See ya. A.
ReplyDeleteWriting is like everything else in life, Annie...personal...a different style for everyone and also a different audience, too. I read your blog about weeds, and I felt you made a lot of neat connections. Write with your heart and you will never go wrong. It's leading you to those insights you can only find within. Good luck! And don't stop writing!
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