I Once Was An Eagle

Artist Unknown

I once was an eagle

Way up above I flew

Until I didn’t.

Captured.

Tethered to an invisible arm,

Attached to an invisible body.

Allowed to fly no more.

I have not forgotten the magnificent view, 

The air beneath my wings,

The wind in my face.

Or how it felt to swoop from great heights

to the valleys below 

And then up again.

Now caged I have only my dreams to remind me of 

The glorious days when I glided the heavens 

And scoured the lands and waters below.

They say it is for my own good.

They say my wings are broken.

I don’t believe them.

For in my heart, I soar,

Like the eagle I am.

Love is a Four-Letter Word

Major changes lodge me precariously on the edge of something I don't quite understand, not that I understood that much to begin with, but definitely and not especially now. There is a darkness present at the moment, hanging over me like an overbearing bully, and it taunts and challenges me. Exhausted I stare defiantly at it, feeling much like a lightweight wrestler or a boxer who is going up against the champ who is double his height and three times his weight. He has been pulverized in the ring but refuses to stay down. This is where I am at.

It's not that I don't want to give up, but I can't. I'm like the punching bag that gets whacked over and over again and yet pops back up. Given the choice I would probably play dead, but it isn't in me. I'm not sure why. It's both a blessing and a curse.

As ridiculous as it sounds, I feel as if love has deserted me. "What makes now so different?" I wonder. Certainly there have been other times in my physical existence where love seemed to be a not so nice four-letter word. For some reason, though, it is different this time. Maybe it is because I am in the process of a transformation of sorts.

My life has been one critical event after another, but they usually come one at a time, not all at once. Sometimes there was even a period of rest in between them, but it is not so at the moment. Presently I feel as if a pile of manure has been dumped over my head, burying me completely, and I am blinking back the tears so as not to make a bad situation worse. What makes matters more difficult is that I am the cause of at least part of it, necessary but still unpleasant. The timing may have been completely off, but who would've known?

Even still, throughout it all, I have realized that love is love. It does not care about the details of my every day affairs. It has no vested interest in what I think or feel or say or do. It just is. What does that mean? I'm not sure. I am still in the process of discovering.

All I do know is from my earliest days there have been times when I have known great absences of love, and I have tried time and time again to fill that void by giving as much love as I was possibly capable of. I did this because I knew in some strange way that this was me, this was my mission, to be and give love. What I didn't know is that I was missing perhaps the other integral part of the equation...receiving love. Maybe this is the key. One must have a balance of not only giving love but receiving it.

Some people are so battered by love gone wrong that they never allow themselves to be open to it again. To me this is incredibly sad. Alfred Lord Tennyson said, "It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all." I tend to agree.

I am on the opposite end of the spectrum. The more I suffer, the more determined I am to discover true love, except nowadays after much turmoil I am willing to let true love find me. And, if I get hurt in the process, then I will pick myself up, dust myself off, and try, try, try again because I cannot imagine a life forever without it. In fact I don't think that it's even in my genetics to do so.

This quote sums it up quite nicely for me. "If you have it [Love], you don't need to have anything else, and if you don't have it, it doesn't matter much what else you have." ~ Sir James M. Barrie. And so it is.

Where Now?

Sitting here, looking at this computer screen stare back at me. It's bright white page glaring at me like it is saying, "Write something...anything...come on, do it!" But there's an emptiness inside that I can't seem to fill with words, and I am speechless. I will just write and see what comes out. There's always the delete button, right?

I'm in Costa Rica. It's a beautiful, tranquil place to be, but I've discovered something. Without love it is just another place. I am realizing more and more how important love really is in the grand scheme of things, yes, but also in the little things. With love you feel empowered to do anything! Put an 'S' on my chest and call me superwoman cause I can take on the world, but subtract love from the equation and you have found my kryptonite. I struggle like a turtle who has been turned upside down.

Love isn't something outside of us, though, so why do I feel this way? Why do any of us feel this way? We don't need someone else to fulfill that part of us; it is already there. All the same, I can't explain it, I feel as if something is missing. Here I am again on this cliff, looking down, looking up, looking within and wondering what now? Where do I go from here? Anywhere I want, I suppose, but I only dream of love. Everything else doesn't seem to matter too much.

Heart Not For Sale

Whirl me around the world
Buy me fancy gifts.
Pamper me with glitz and glimmer
But something is still amiss.

Love doesn't come in boxes
Or wear silken shirts.
It isn't the newest car
That fills my empty heart.

Love is priceless.
No dollar amount.
A lone sign reads:
Heart not for sale.

My Garden

Love blooms in my garden. I have tenderly planted the seeds, watered them with care, and set them in a place where they can receive the light they need. At night I sing softly to them and they respond by sharing their beauty with me.

It dawns on me that it would be nice to be this tender with myself. Carefully selecting the seeds I wish to see bloom within because eventually what I sow, I will reap. My thoughts are like these seeds. Am I nurturing the ones I want to cultivate? Am I uprooting the ones I don't? Weeds can grow so quickly, totally destroying and overtaking a garden if not handled immediately. Insects and pests can eat away at my precious flowers. It is up to me to make sure that doesn't happen.

I am planting love in my consciousness and in my heart. I am singing HU (pronounced hue), a love song to God, to open my heart and allow love to enter. I am showering myself with gentleness and kindness. Ever vigilant I watch, promptly plucking unnecessary thoughts from my mind that might strangle and harm these fragile buds.

And, once my garden is grown, it will be rich with color, delighting the senses. All of God's creatures will be attracted to its warmth and gather. Butterflies fluttering around the bushes. Birds chirping joyfully in the trees. Fish gladly swimming in its pond. Children laughing and playing on its grounds. Such a place of love, Light and Sound I will build.

Everything I Know Came From My Pets

Some days life is like a jet plane, flying by you at mach speeds and you wonder, " Where is the love?" This is often a signal to me to slow it back down, take it easy, and love with all of my heart. Love who? Anyone! Anything! Just love!

My pets have always been, since the wee days of my earliest years, a great source of pure love. When I was unable to trust not another single person, these angels disguised in various furry or feathered packages would come to my rescue being my sacred confidante whom I would share my deepest, darkest secrets with. When I could fill a room with all the tears I shed, one of them would always come to comfort me. They were my saving grace when I felt like I had no other.

Puddles (never let a three-year-old name a dog) was a shepherd mix. She was my first dog, and she got her name because she left happy trails wherever she went. My dog ended up being more of my uncle's dog, but she taught me a lot about discipline. If I would run through the house with my neighbor's children, she would nip at our feet until we sat and quieted. She ran a tight ship!

Our cats (and there were many) seemed to sense when I needed a friend to play with, allowing me to wheel them in strollers and dress them in doll clothes. They were very tolerant of me and so taught me tolerance of others.

When Puddles and Sunshine had both of their litters nearly back to back, I learned about the miracle of birth and stared in wonder and some disgust. As the puppies grew older, what fun we had! Their exuberance was contagious and laughter filled the room when they were in it. Imagine laying on the floor with ten excited little souls pouncing all over you, tickling and kissing you so happy just to be alive. I can't help but smile at even the thought of it.

The animals we have had throughout the years, especially in my youngest years, were many in numbers. There were turtles, fish, hamsters, gerbils, rabbits, ferrets, guinea pigs, snakes, mice, birds...you name it, and we've had it! From the smallest to the largest, they all had a wonderful gift or message to bestow. I will share more of their stories in the future for their lessons and their love are too vast for this one post.

Divine Intervention

Thinking a lot about protection. How many times in our lifetime do we receive divine intervention and don't even realize it? Sometimes events happen that are so large in scope there really is no other explanation except for a supreme helping hand. This, to me, is one such experience.

Driving from downtown to my mom's, bee-bopping along to tunes on the radio, I am cruising along at 25 mph through a residential area. I near an intersection but noticing the light is green I keep chugging along. Through my peripheral vision enters a white car barreling at me oblivious to its red light. I am looking out of my driver's side window as it approaches me. This person is obviously traveling at a speed way above the limit judging by the screech of the tires.

In a way it seems impossible that I will come out of this in one piece, if at all; but, for some reason, I don't react and automatically press on my brakes or panic. Instead I keep advancing like la dee da, nothing going on here, and witness this vehicle preparing to bulldoze me through my driver's side window! The bewildered speed racer comes to a stop, and I make it through safely, counting my blessings. Whew! Close call! Too close!

But how often do we receive assistance in much more subtle ways? A "wrong" turn here, late getting out of bed there, or kids who aren't cooperating could all be a well-placed stall tactic for your greater benefit that goes unnoticed. Those are the kind we may never know about, but they happen. I think I will certainly think twice the next time I have to take a detour or I'm stuck in traffic. Maybe I will even be grateful when my telephone rings for the third time as I try and run out the door.

Love Victorious

One small crevice,
Past the weary soldiers.
Subtly slipping through,
Patiently waiting,
Seedling germinating in a miniscule corner of my heart.

Guards awaken.
Shining their beams into blackness,
Searching for intruders
But never seeing
A sapling flourishes unimpeded.

Roots tunnel underground.
Silently building strength,
Firmly connecting,
Growing ever larger,
Harder to hide.

The mind dreams.
Soul discovers the stowaway
And whispers into its vessel gleefully,
"Love is here!"
The body stirs and awakens.

Panicking the mind asks,
"How can this be so?
The fortress is solid.
Sentinels stand erect and at the ready.
This cannot be!"

Soul takes mind by the hand
Down deep dark passageways, they travel.
Sapling no more.
A mighty tree stands in its place.
Buds blooming on its branches.

Soul is ecstatic at its find.
What an amazing discovery!
Mind rebels but then softens,
Letting down its defenses.
Love thrives.

Intensity heightens.
Walls crumble.
Sheer power threatens.
Infantry stumbles to regain control.
Too late.
Love victorious reigns!

Gifts of Love

Driving down long, windy roads canopied by green treetops, golden light glistening through the leaves, gives the illusion of being somewhere inherently magical. Radio off I allow the birds to occasionally sing to me with periods of complete silence in between, save the hum of my van's engine and the tires crackling on the paved ground. Once in a while a tiny chipmunk would scurry across my path, and I would admonish them for taking such risks.

Entering an open area with luscious green grass, polka-dotted with yellow and purple wild flowers, I felt like I was traveling through a canvas painted purely for my benefit. The screech of hawks drew my attention upward, and I slowed down to nearly a crawl so I could observe a flock of them circling around like a ballerina pirouetting amongst the clouds. I felt in awe of such beauty and a deep connection with the land below, the skies above, and all of its creatures.

I continued my journey with no real destination in mind, content to be in the moment. Deep in the forest once again, I was lost within myself when a giant image made its appearance from the side startling me. Its wings spread out before me, rising up parallel with my passenger side windshield from a ditch below. Even as I instinctively pressed down on my brakes, time appeared to slow and what happened in seconds seemed like minutes. Its wing was at least three or four feet in length, and I was mesmerized by its grandeur.

Being so close I could observe the separation of its dark brown feathers spread out like a paper fan. As it came more fully into my view and before flying above it, our eyes met momentarily. It couldn't have been more than a split second but time gave the impression it had stopped completely and all motion with it. There we were, myself and this majestic, golden eagle. Did it feel as much admiration for me as I did for it? I doubted it but right then nothing else mattered. Time resumed and this impressive being flew off. I could think of nothing else the rest of the day.

The blessings of these gifts make me grateful to be able to bear witness to such splendor and love. Only one question tumbles upon my mind, how can I return the love that has been so generously bestowed upon me?

The Fairy Tale

Kissing a lot of frogs to get to your Prince Charming? Keep kissing...this may take a while. Or is there a better way?

Growing up I thought love was something in between "The Young and the Restless" and all my grandmother's romantic magazines. Oh, and don't forget all the "Cinderella" and "Sleeping Beauty" stories every little girl is fed an unhealthy diet of. As a teenager, it was the Harlequin romance novels we passed around school that influenced me most. I think after all of that conditioning any man may have had a hard time living up to my skewed expectations.

If that weren't enough, love was kind of a weird thing around my house, dysfunctional at best. Let's face it, when a five letter word beginning with 'b' and ending in 'h' becomes your pet name and a way of showing affection, you have to know something isn't right. But having become proficient in what love isn't, I feel it is time to move on to what love is.

Have I gotten any closer to the answer? Sometimes I think I have. And, other times, it feels like nothing more than imagination at its best. Some nice fantasy to distract you from the cold, hard reality of life. If it is real then it is very elusive. I suppose this is the skeptic in me coming out of the closet. If love is out there, I challenge it to find me, to prove its existence. If it is all around us then it shouldn't be so hard to find.

Of course, I am speaking about human love now. Divine love seems to be a given, at least for me. We could not be here without it. Maybe the problem lies not in the existence of love, but in the interpretation of it. What if knowing love depends on our awareness of it? How do you get to know true love?

It is said to get more love, you have to give more love. This makes me frown. I give love every day in every way I can. Am I missing an ingredient? Is there something more to it than this? Most of my adult life has been spent taking care of others mostly at my own expense so I had to learn about self-love. If you have never had a problem loving yourself, you have no idea how incredibly hard it is to start. Everyone suddenly becomes your enemy because who are you to put yourself first? It's been a bit of a challenge.

Once I overcame that obstacle to some degree, others came to take its place. I have to tell you, some days it appears like the whole world is conspiring against me. I take ten steps forward and slide back twenty. These are the days when I am either in a ball on the floor crying for mercy or throwing my hands up in the air in a temper tantrum that would make any two-year-old look like an angel.

This is where I'm at on my path, kicking and screaming most of the way. On my good days, I really want to believe in knights in shining armor on white horses, but how practical is that? If I did see one charging down the streets of Philadelphia, I'd more than likely run in the other direction. On my bad days, i would like to burn every fairy tale ever printed. Where am I at on that scale today? Stuck somewhere in the middle wanting to believe but finding many more reasons not to. So is there a better way? I'm really not sure. I'll have to get back to you on that.

Love is Timeless

The hands of the clock spin backwards. Hours, days, years, lifetimes later it stops. A scene flashes before my eyes. Flirting and laughing, the couple seems oblivious to my presence. I feel like a trespasser who has stumbled upon this cherished moment in time, peeking at them from behind a tree, but I cannot take my eyes from them. Their joy and love flow abundantly between them, and I find myself smiling at their innocence. I realize it is you and I in another time and place and with that knowledge planted within me, I awaken.

Fumbling for pen and paper in the darkness, I hurry to scribble the details of my memory before it fades. The love I had felt with you then has been transported to this present time. Part of me understands it was recalled from the distant past, but my heart feels the love as if it has never gone. My mind sees no space between the two. I am overwhelmed by the emotions and the realization that love is eternal.

Love perceives no time. It supersedes all the rational senses and leaves me perplexed.

A Love Story

Once upon a time there was nothing and out of this nothingness came a single thought, "I must know myself." From this single thought sprung desire and so energy split creating atoms of Itself. These sparks were very much caught up in themselves so the Creator of All decided, to know oneself, you need to experience life in all of its facets. It sent these Souls to boot camp and called one such place, "Earth." Earth was a very difficult environment to live.

Soul was immature and uncertain of its role, but that was okay because it would get many opportunities to learn. Lessons were delivered in great abundance, and they were given unlimited amounts of lifetimes in order to know who they were but also to learn who their Creator was. In the process their Maker was able to experience life through them so it was a mutually beneficial relationship.

Something unexpected happened to Soul as it entered their new residence; it forgot who it was! They even forgot who they had been in previous lives! Not knowing they were actually powerful beyond measure made even the most simple task seem incredibly difficult. Not to worry, though, the Highest Source would not let them flounder in their ignorance for long; It gave them higher beings to aide them in their efforts to remember. These beings came in forms of angels, masters, and other guardians or gods. They even received inner guidance through dreams, but not all were wise enough to take those dreams seriously. If all else failed, they each were given the greatest gift of all, an internal compass, their heart. Whenever in doubt, all Soul had to do was follow their heart and act within the highest love they knew at that time.

Fortunately, Soul was given a mind with their human body. Unfortunately, the mind was very powerful and would many times override the heart. It would tell the human that it was in charge, and they would believe it. The truth was, the mind was a super-computer. It only knew what it was fed, and it was only fed what it had participated in or was exposed to, directly or indirectly, throughout its lifetime. It filed away all of the human's experiences and would base future experiences on the past. Sometimes this was good because the person had pleasant exposures, but many times it was not. By default it would keep people in a fearful state, afraid to do something, because in the past it had resulted in something they thought was "bad." When the mind followed a pattern, it would often keep people stuck in a rut for a long period of time.

The humans did not understand that this super-computer wasn't very smart at all. Because in all actuality it only knew what it was told. So if someone made a mistake and told the computer 2+2=10 then it would insist that 2+2=10, even though we know it really equals four. Other people might try to point this out, but unless the individual was ready they would always side with their own mind.

In truth the mind makes a better slave than a master but most humans have this backwards. Some day they will learn their true inheritance and, when they do, they will come to know themselves and the Source that loved them enough to give them life. They will, for all eternity after that, live to love and serve this Source until they return Home once again and then they will live happily ever after. The End?

The Paradox

Standing on the beach, the warm rays of the sun permeating my being, listening to the cry of the seagulls as they descend and ascend from the water, and watching the tide crash at my feet fills my heart with love. There's just something about running playfully into the invigorating embrace of the waves that is sure to make your heart unlock its doors and the child in you reappear, wide-eyed in awe of its greatness.

Diving into its depths, curious to know the treasures it shelters, my body tingles with renewal and strength. Giggles rise up out of me like bubbly champagne, tickling my insides, calling me to remember my joyous self. The sun kisses my face as I direct my attention into the light, drawing its energy into me, and then swimming deeper, further. Content I allow myself to float upward, eyes observing the small, twinkling spots of illuminations widening as I reach the surface. I taste the salt upon my lips as I exhale and then inhale again the pureness of the ocean air.

Energy delightfully spent, I return to the heated grains of sand and throw myself upon it, permitting my body to sink into the hot granules of gold. I surrender myself to the dreams of mermaids and the water nymphs and like a toddler who has played hard, sleep comes quickly so I can continue my respite in other worlds not far from here.

The Dream Master appears with a smile upon his face and a twinkle in his eyes to escort me to places unknown. For a brief moment I hesitate, and I feel an impression upon my mind, "Trust me" coaxing me out of my shell and with that we take flight. The earthly world seems to disappear beneath us. Bright and brighter lights envelop us while melodious sounds increase in volume until they are no longer heard outside of us but become an internal orchestra. Within it I discover we are the Light. We are the Sound. It encompasses everything and yet nothing at all. Love is and is not. The paradox is lost upon the human mind but here it all makes sense because there is nothing to make sense of.

Opening Your Heart to Love

Hanging from a cliff by my fingertips and dangling over a drop that seemed to have no bottom caused an immense fear to threaten to overtake me. The dizziness of looking downward made my head spin like a top so I chose to gaze upward toward the blue skies. I dug my nails even deeper into the rocky ground, but the weight of my body made it excruciating. A voice projected out to me gently but thunderous at the same time, "Tammy, who will open your heart? Angels?" Sitting straight up in bed, I could hardly catch my breath. "Who indeed?" I thought as I got my bearings. I understood I was being told the responsibility was mine and mine alone to keep an open heart.

Life can be brutal at times. It can make you throw your fists up in the air and scream for mercy. I've been there...more than once. I know I will be brought there again and again, too, but it's different now. I am different. There have been times when I have felt as if I was completely alone. I could be in a room full of people and still feel as if I was the only one there, but I know now that none of us are truly alone unless we choose to be and even then we are not really alone. Hold on for one minute, one hour, one day more because you will break through and a year or two from then you will wonder what you ever worried about to begin with.

It won't be easy. When you have built walls like a fortress around your heart, how can you ever expect to receive love? What can you do to open up after being hurt time and time again? Something that has worked for me has been to sing HU (pronounced hue). HU is a love song to God. It can change your life. I won't give you a discourse on HU because I feel it is something so special to each individual that the only way to truly understand it is to try it for yourself. If you would like to learn more about HU, check out this link: http://www.eckankar.org/hu.html Or you can listen to this short but amazing clip:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wc9N_g2NolA If you decide to try it sincerely, you won't be disappointment. I haven't been.

Love Never Dies

No answer. Numerous urgent rings of the doorbell and several furious knocks later, my great aunt was not responding. I pulled her extra key out of my pocket but as I unlocked the door I turned to her sister, my Aunt Jean, and said, "Maybe it's best you wait here." She nodded. Both of us seemed to be expecting the worse. My Aunt Connie lived alone and had been suffering from breast cancer. She would keep in touch with family to let us know she was okay, but it had been days since anyone had heard from her.

Warily I opened the door but the putrid smell that greeted me told the story even before my eyes rested upon her remains lying on the floor. I walked over to the figure sprawled out upon a bloodstained carpet. Her condo was incredibly hot and her body had been decaying for at least a couple of days. Surprisingly calm I knelt down reverently beside her, placing a hand gently on her fragile arm that looked like nothing more than a skeleton with skin bandaged upon it. A shrunken head with single hairs poking up in disarray from her scalp and sunken eyes stared back at me. Her gray skin was hard and cold despite the fact that I felt like I was in a sauna. Oddly I didn't cry or freak out. After a few moments, I only managed a whisper, "Oh, Aunt Connie..."

And to my surprise, as if she was leaning over me as I leaned over her, I distinctly heard her voice loud and clear. "Tammy...Tammy, you know that isn't me!" The way she would always say my name had a prominent twang to it, almost nasally; I knew it was her. I nodded and replied with a sigh, "I know, Aunt Connie, I know." It dawned on me I was so calm that I felt as if I was in a bubble and thought for a moment that's what shock was. Reflecting back now, I see it was more like a circle of protection. Eventually shock wears off and you suffer the effects, but that was not the case with me.

Another time, years before my aunt's demise, when my precious Nan took leave of this earth, I would have an equally powerful experience. She had been in the hospital after having a stroke, and we had just been told she didn't have much longer. We were given permission to stay overnight. I wanted to be with her so I volunteered.

Countless times throughout the night, I would fall asleep beside her, which wasn't an easy feat since it was an extremely uncomfortable chair. I remember telling her repeatedly how much I loved her and how I didn't know how I would ever live without her. I would then tell her as hard as it would be, it was okay and we would all be fine. She had always been my source of strength and love. She would be greatly missed.

Morning came. My uncle arrived to relieve me. I said my last goodbyes, kissed my Nan's cheek, and left. I was to wash up and make the long journey to report the news to her other son who was imprisoned upstate. My youngest brother drove and my other brother accompanied us for moral support. Having to give the news to a man handcuffed and shackled that his mother had only a short time left to live was heart-wrenching to say the least. He didn't take it well but not so badly that all the hardware was needed either.

On the way home, completely drained, I slept. All of a sudden I sprung up out of my seat in the back. I felt a great swoosh of energy pass through me and I knew without a doubt my grandmother and my best friend had moved on to better and brighter things. I stared at the clock on the car radio; it read 3:50 p.m. We were still forty minutes from home in a time where not everyone had cell phones. I found it impossible to sleep.

The car pulled up at my front door and my uncle was standing there smoking a cigarette. I watched in a daze as he walked over to us, his face red with tears, and delivered what I already knew. Nan had died. Choking back tears I asked, "When?" I'm sure have guessed what he said. The time had been exactly as I had viewed!

Love never dies. Our energy never ceases to exist. It simply bids farewell when our bodies have had its fill and can no longer sustain life. Perhaps from there it will rest a while in the "heavens" or on other planes. Or maybe it will even choose to return to live again here or somewhere else, but it never really leaves, does it?

A Valuable Lesson in Listening and Following my Heart

Rocky, a 6-month-old rottweiller and newest addition to our family, traveled with me while I worked. I took photos in people's homes of their children, and I did a lot of local driving. Rocky loved the car, and I loved the companionship. In between appointments we would locate a park to play, walk, or just relax.

As I pulled my van into a small parking lot, I took notice of a maroon pickup truck with a specialized license plate. A police car had pulled up next to him and they seemed to be talking. Not thinking much about it, Rocky and I proceeded into this little wooded area to walk and enjoy the day. Strolling along the creek bed, relishing our time with nature and with each other, I thought it didn't get much better than this.

Suddenly Rocky changed pace and lunged up towards higher ground, yanking my unsuspecting self with him. (He may have only been 6 months but he was already a good-sized dog and very strong.) When we arrived at the top of this modest but rugged hill, there was a massive tree trunk blocking the path. My dog didn't seemed to mind, and I caught him mid-air as he tried to jump it. "Oh, no! We aren't going there." It wasn't that I minded taking a hike off the main path or even climbing the beast but something was most definitely telling me, "NO!" I wasn't about to test what would happen if I didn't listen.

Quickly I took control and drug a not so willing rottie with me. Resisting most of the way, Rocky was giving me a workout, but I wasn't feeling good about this at all. My heart was pounding against my chest, and I didn't know why but I knew something wasn't right.

Upon re-entering the parking lot, I immediately observed the two vehicles were gone. Rocky hadn't relieved himself yet so we took one more walk over to the bridge leading out, only a short 30-feet away. The nervousness I grappled with hadn't dissapated so one quick glance at the stream of water and foliage below and we were out of there. I wasn't comfortable with being on high alert and not knowing why.

No sooner had we turned to leave did the maroon pickup return in a blaze of fury, swerving around my van, literally doing a 360, kicking up gravel and dust in its tracks, and finally coming to a screeching halt directly behind my vehicle. Trapped! My heart took up residence in my throat and everything in me screamed, "RUN!" Panic rose within me but, just as it did, a strong but tranquil voice entered my chaotic thoughts. "Stay calm! Retrieve your keys out of your pocket slowly and walk to your car as if nothing is wrong."

No time to question the reason of all of this, I did what I was told. Step by step I was guided even to the point of looking directly into this furious man's eyes and smiling. As crazy as that seemed then, I followed orders obediently. The unspoken anger bellowed off of this guy like steam off a blown radiator but he didn't move from the spot he stood, choosing to observe me instead. I have come to the realization now that the smile was to let him know, "Hey, everything is great and wonderful with the world. I didn't see anything you didn't want me to. I'm not a threat."

Concentrating on the voice's methodic commands, I nonchalantly put Rocky into the backseat, got myself into the driver's seat, and, hands shaking, turned the key. For a moment I listened to the hum of the engine and let it comfort me as I checked my rearview mirror. As bizarre as it may have been, he was still standing there, obstructing the way I had come in, watching me carefully, perhaps for any sign that would give me away. Maybe the voice was talking to him, too, telling him all was okay. Surely I do not really know.

Panic set in again as I stared at the entrance and thought I had no way out but it was quickly combated by a reminder from my voice of reason. The bridge I had just walked across was also an exit. I cautiously slid my car into drive and pulled out. I drove slowly fighting everything in me to explode out of there. Many times I would check my mirrors but he did not follow.

Even today, 11 years later, my stomach still fills with acid and my body trembles with fear at the memory of it. I never did discover the truth of that day. Maybe it is for the best. However, I did learn how important it is to love yourself enough to trust your instincts, follow your heart, and allow your angels or masters to guide you. It doesn't always come in loud, booming voices; rather, mostly in whispers so low you must be still and quiet to hear them. If you do you will be rewarded tenfold...sometimes with your life.

Genie in a Bottle

Love is not truly expressed in words. How can such a small sentence, "I love you," convey all within thee? I do not know.

Reaching deep inside, exploring love, comes down to discovering myself. Once I have found the love that is me then perhaps I can truly love God or another. Dancing, writing, photographing the beauty around me is my self-expression in action, love from within being drawn outward to manifest, create, and inspire.

Love is limitless in Its divine state. It is only humans who wish to put it in a box and wrap it up with a pretty, golden bow. It is my desire to break out of this box, to be adventurous and bold and true to the me others cannot see.

Asleep for so long, I feel like a genie who has been trapped within a bottle and washed upon the sandy shore. Quite suddenly I am let loose upon a land of zombies like a rocket shot into the great, dark abyss of space. Rushing from one to the other, thirsty to drink of life, I feel I am alive in the land of the dead. Despair shakes me to the core as I run among them, looking for some sign, some spark, to indicate they remember. Nothing...no visible signs of Light or Sound...and disappointment washes over me. I know it is there but they do not recall their divine inheritance, and I find myself alone...so very alone.

The excitement that bubbled inside fizzles with discouragement. It makes me long for the comfort of my tiny bottle, a place so restricting but so incredibly safe. My feet carry me through dense forests and rocky mountains back to empty beaches where my aloneness is as vast as the ocean before me to wander in search of...what? It escapes me.

A big orange and yellow ball of light crests upon the water in all its glory then rises into the sky sprinkling diamonds across the liquid blue beneath it. Just as quickly, the fiery ball of gold setting high above sinks downward in an array of rich pinks and reds, disappearing into the watery depths.

Replacing the sun, a full moon presents itself and lights the darkness while sparks of light dance in shimmery dresses across the universes. Sitting, watching in awe and silence, I feel as if time has collapsed and everything speeds by me in quick frames as the moonlight fades and the dancers leave to slumber but, alas, the glow and the promise of a new day springs forth once again. Wondering, pondering, contemplating...what is my place within it all? A part of it I am and yet I am not.

What good is it to have this magnificent show played for you in all its grandeur and no one to share it with? With no one to partake of this intimacy, the love, bursting from every atom, every cell, that composes your physical being, you cannot help but feel empty and incomplete in some way. Emotions run amok as Soul smiles gently, patiently, knowing what I do not yet know.

When Love is NOT Love

Boogeymen and monsters in my closet never frightened me. I never looked under my bed for the "bad man." Or worried about ghosts haunting my room at night. My nightmares came as familiar faces with "I love you" upon their lips.

Terror caught in my throat and chills ran down my spine as I heard my door creak open and my name whispered. Squeezing my eyes shut tight and clutching my teddy bear, I whimpered silently, "Please God make him go away" but it was not to be. Soon not even the light of day could protect me from darkness. It invaded my days subtly under the guise of love, trust, and friendship; I was oh so young and innocent then.

While sexual and emotional abuse come quietly, other forms of abuse are much more blatant, such as physical and verbal abuse. I would not be exempt from them either and much of my childhood and adolescence was spent trying to understand why love hurt so much. It was within these walls I built my ideas about love, basing it on everything false and negative, perhaps I needed to completely understand what love wasn't in order to begin to understand what it truly was.

I am NOT a victim! A victim is someone who is powerless, and I don't see myself like that. Who can really understand all the ins and outs of why people do the things they do. Surely, they do not realize the depth of the harm they inflict. I have to believe when people know better, they do better. I've never faltered from that point of view, and I don't think I ever will.

The trick has been, if that is what love is not then what is love really? And we have a choice...accept what we have been taught through our past experiences about love or write a new definition. This is my journey.

The Journey to Discovering Love Begins

Suppose, just suppose, that most of our challenges in life are really opportunities to love more, to love deeply, and to love greatly. What if these problems are a gift in disguise to aide us in learning to love ourselves, to love each other, and to love that higher part of ourselves or God? What then? How would this change the world around us? More importantly, how would it change our worlds both inner and outer? Would we think of ourselves or others differently? How would our views of life with all it's complexities change? Could it possibly be that simple?

I am on a mission, one of self-discovery, yes, but also a journey of love. Won't you join me? This blog is not only for myself but it is for all of you who have loved, whether you have found true love, whether you have loved and lost, or whether you are still searching. I will share with you my insights, my love, my set-backs and growth. And, if you would like, I hope you will also share the experiences that are shaping your world as you travel the path of life because we are all connected and we can learn from each other.

Living life can be rocky, I know, but it is also full of joy and happiness. And what is life if we have forgotten love? I sense with the deepest part of me it is there, calling us to remember. It's whisperings are so low we often don't even hear it above our chaotic lives but stop and listen because it is our inheritance. We ARE entitled to it, and it waits for each one of us.

Is love reserved only for the pretty fairy-tales we've so eagerly digested? Or is love all around us, dare I say, within us just waiting to be discovered? Let us plant this seed together, nurturing, and caring for it. Where it will take us? Let our hearts and our minds be open to its beauty. Destination...love? All aboard!