Sometimes love between two people runs its course; a relationship has been taken as far as it is able to go. It is a wise person who knows and accepts when this is so and even wiser still when the couple together come to this logical but painful conclusion. Nevertheless, the challenges of ending a short or long-term affair are never easy. And if you add in factors like the length of time you invested in each other, finances, assets, or children then you up the ante. Suddenly you find yourself in a nightmare whether parting ways is the "right" thing to do or not.
Love can be complicated but only because we make it so. Humans like to put conditions on everything! We need things to be ordered and make sense. Or maybe it isn't even everyone...it could be just me.
Perhaps we expect too much out of relationships. Why is a marriage forever? Is that realistic? Or is that an unnecessary pressure we put on ourselves? Could it be possible that some marriages aren't supposed to last forever? What if this legal bond served a purpose and that purpose is not forever after? What would they be? I have my own sneaky suspicions but I will leave you to find your own answers. Mine may not be yours.
Could it be that love in a marriage does not end but changes form? In the beginning it is a fiery passion fueling this bond. If we didn't have that, why would anyone feel motivated to get married in the first place? I would think you would have to feel like you couldn't live without this person to make such a commitment, but I'm speaking from a learning curve and my own interpretation. In fact I seem to have more questions than answers at this point. And, even if I do have a few answers, I can't promise you I won't change my mind tomorrow. It's my prerogative, and I use it quite frequently.
So chemistry brings us together but what keeps us together? Blood, sweat, and tears? Hopefully, it's not quite that drastic but I may be onto something.
(to be continued...)
Golden Heart
Showing posts with label love and relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love and relationships. Show all posts
Monday, August 16, 2010
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
A Letter to Mom
Spinning the hands of time backwards, I can see the exact moment I decided I hated you.
Screaming and yelling, banging, more screaming and the pillow over my head could not shut it out. I slipped out of bed, my small body shaking in fear and crept down the hallway to the stairs. One soft step at a time, I made it halfway down the stairwell before the two of you were in full view. I was maybe 4 or 5, sitting in my little pink pajamas on the steps, watching my dad break your nose. I hated him but I also hated you because you didn't defend yourself; you didn't defend me! Why did you let him hurt us? My little mind could not make sense of it.
Adolescence was even more difficult. Our relationship became more strained when I realized you didn't want me. In fact you had never wanted me, and you made it a point to tell me so. My anger at you boiled over, and it was just one more reason to feel justified for having these feelings towards you. I became rebellious, wild, and reckless to try and make you pay for not loving me yet you never seemed to notice. Not that we didn't have our good days, but they were far and few between.
Until I became a mother myself I couldn't even begin to come to terms with some of the intense feelings I had about you. We had a long hard road ahead of us; we did manage to work through enough of it that we could be civil to each other. As I observed you play with your grandsons, I would wonder silently how you were able to give to them so freely the love I had always longed for but you were incapable of giving.
Since you have recently taken leave of this world, I have been left with a whirlwind of feelings and wondering what to do with it all. All the unanswered questions are still there, and I have come to realize that they may always be there. It is only now I am able to say and truly mean it, I forgive you. You did the best you knew how, and I accept that. If you could've loved me better, I am sure you would have. I know I was not unlovable but rather it was your inability to love and that's okay. Even more than that, I forgive myself, and I am going to be okay. In truth I am already okay, I just have to remember I am.
So, Mom, I only would like to say, I love you and thank you for all the many lessons because it has reminded me of who I am. I have learned to be strong, compassionate, loving, and a wealth of other qualities. There was no other way to really learn except to experience it so I am grateful.
Wishing you love on your continued journey wherever it may take you.
Screaming and yelling, banging, more screaming and the pillow over my head could not shut it out. I slipped out of bed, my small body shaking in fear and crept down the hallway to the stairs. One soft step at a time, I made it halfway down the stairwell before the two of you were in full view. I was maybe 4 or 5, sitting in my little pink pajamas on the steps, watching my dad break your nose. I hated him but I also hated you because you didn't defend yourself; you didn't defend me! Why did you let him hurt us? My little mind could not make sense of it.
Adolescence was even more difficult. Our relationship became more strained when I realized you didn't want me. In fact you had never wanted me, and you made it a point to tell me so. My anger at you boiled over, and it was just one more reason to feel justified for having these feelings towards you. I became rebellious, wild, and reckless to try and make you pay for not loving me yet you never seemed to notice. Not that we didn't have our good days, but they were far and few between.
Until I became a mother myself I couldn't even begin to come to terms with some of the intense feelings I had about you. We had a long hard road ahead of us; we did manage to work through enough of it that we could be civil to each other. As I observed you play with your grandsons, I would wonder silently how you were able to give to them so freely the love I had always longed for but you were incapable of giving.
Since you have recently taken leave of this world, I have been left with a whirlwind of feelings and wondering what to do with it all. All the unanswered questions are still there, and I have come to realize that they may always be there. It is only now I am able to say and truly mean it, I forgive you. You did the best you knew how, and I accept that. If you could've loved me better, I am sure you would have. I know I was not unlovable but rather it was your inability to love and that's okay. Even more than that, I forgive myself, and I am going to be okay. In truth I am already okay, I just have to remember I am.
So, Mom, I only would like to say, I love you and thank you for all the many lessons because it has reminded me of who I am. I have learned to be strong, compassionate, loving, and a wealth of other qualities. There was no other way to really learn except to experience it so I am grateful.
Wishing you love on your continued journey wherever it may take you.
Monday, July 19, 2010
True Love Needs Nothing
My heart has always had a mind of its own, and I have always been aware enough to realize that. Most times I have been true to it, and I have followed it no matter where it might lead. When I was not able to trust myself or where my heart was guiding me was the times I have gotten into the most trouble. I understand that now.
In the stillness of the morning, I allow myself to go within, for there and only there are the answers that I seek. It is a practice I have come to completely rely on. During tumultuous bouts of uncertainty such as the ones I have been experiencing, I have come to realize I have stopped trusting what it is I am receiving. I have let doubts fill me and incapacitate me. No more. My heart has never steered me wrong. My mind, on the other hand, thrives on confusion.
Love cannot be thought into existence because it is already there. If we choose to share it with another then it is a precious gift and need be treated as such for it to grow exponentially. If not it will wither away into nothingness like a plant that does not receive enough water, light, or loving care. Perhaps it was this subconscious knowledge within me that had sent me barreling out like a bull in a china shop in search of a love that is real and true. Little did I know, it was already there.
Relationships of an intimate kind have always been painful for me. Is it because I was looking for someone else to complete me? Why did I think I was not whole already? The realization has struck me like a lightning bolt to the heart. I am already who I wish to be and I need no other to fulfill my preconceived beliefs about it.
Of course, not needing anyone does not mean I will never have another intimate relationship. It seems only natural that when one truly is love then they have no choice but to endow it to others, although one need not be in a relationship to do this. In fact it gives me the opportunity to have one now more than ever, and the chances of it succeeding will be tenfold because of this new perspective. It says, you can be who you are and I can be who I am. We can respect and honor that about each other and, in doing so, we are free to allow love to be shared between us on its terms and not dictated by our own foolish ideas. True love needs nothing except to be. How we choose to express it is up to us.
In the stillness of the morning, I allow myself to go within, for there and only there are the answers that I seek. It is a practice I have come to completely rely on. During tumultuous bouts of uncertainty such as the ones I have been experiencing, I have come to realize I have stopped trusting what it is I am receiving. I have let doubts fill me and incapacitate me. No more. My heart has never steered me wrong. My mind, on the other hand, thrives on confusion.
Love cannot be thought into existence because it is already there. If we choose to share it with another then it is a precious gift and need be treated as such for it to grow exponentially. If not it will wither away into nothingness like a plant that does not receive enough water, light, or loving care. Perhaps it was this subconscious knowledge within me that had sent me barreling out like a bull in a china shop in search of a love that is real and true. Little did I know, it was already there.
Relationships of an intimate kind have always been painful for me. Is it because I was looking for someone else to complete me? Why did I think I was not whole already? The realization has struck me like a lightning bolt to the heart. I am already who I wish to be and I need no other to fulfill my preconceived beliefs about it.
Of course, not needing anyone does not mean I will never have another intimate relationship. It seems only natural that when one truly is love then they have no choice but to endow it to others, although one need not be in a relationship to do this. In fact it gives me the opportunity to have one now more than ever, and the chances of it succeeding will be tenfold because of this new perspective. It says, you can be who you are and I can be who I am. We can respect and honor that about each other and, in doing so, we are free to allow love to be shared between us on its terms and not dictated by our own foolish ideas. True love needs nothing except to be. How we choose to express it is up to us.
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