A Letter to Mom

Spinning the hands of time backwards, I can see the exact moment I decided I hated you.

Screaming and yelling, banging, more screaming and the pillow over my head could not shut it out. I slipped out of bed, my small body shaking in fear and crept down the hallway to the stairs. One soft step at a time, I made it halfway down the stairwell before the two of you were in full view. I was maybe 4 or 5, sitting in my little pink pajamas on the steps, watching my dad break your nose. I hated him but I also hated you because you didn't defend yourself; you didn't defend me! Why did you let him hurt us? My little mind could not make sense of it.

Adolescence was even more difficult. Our relationship became more strained when I realized you didn't want me. In fact you had never wanted me, and you made it a point to tell me so. My anger at you boiled over, and it was just one more reason to feel justified for having these feelings towards you. I became rebellious, wild, and reckless to try and make you pay for not loving me yet you never seemed to notice. Not that we didn't have our good days, but they were far and few between.

Until I became a mother myself I couldn't even begin to come to terms with some of the intense feelings I had about you. We had a long hard road ahead of us; we did manage to work through enough of it that we could be civil to each other. As I observed you play with your grandsons, I would wonder silently how you were able to give to them so freely the love I had always longed for but you were incapable of giving.

Since you have recently taken leave of this world, I have been left with a whirlwind of feelings and wondering what to do with it all. All the unanswered questions are still there, and I have come to realize that they may always be there. It is only now I am able to say and truly mean it, I forgive you. You did the best you knew how, and I accept that. If you could've loved me better, I am sure you would have. I know I was not unlovable but rather it was your inability to love and that's okay. Even more than that, I forgive myself, and I am going to be okay. In truth I am already okay, I just have to remember I am.

So, Mom, I only would like to say, I love you and thank you for all the many lessons because it has reminded me of who I am. I have learned to be strong, compassionate, loving, and a wealth of other qualities. There was no other way to really learn except to experience it so I am grateful.

Wishing you love on your continued journey wherever it may take you.