A Letter to Mom

Spinning the hands of time backwards, I can see the exact moment I decided I hated you.

Screaming and yelling, banging, more screaming and the pillow over my head could not shut it out. I slipped out of bed, my small body shaking in fear and crept down the hallway to the stairs. One soft step at a time, I made it halfway down the stairwell before the two of you were in full view. I was maybe 4 or 5, sitting in my little pink pajamas on the steps, watching my dad break your nose. I hated him but I also hated you because you didn't defend yourself; you didn't defend me! Why did you let him hurt us? My little mind could not make sense of it.

Adolescence was even more difficult. Our relationship became more strained when I realized you didn't want me. In fact you had never wanted me, and you made it a point to tell me so. My anger at you boiled over, and it was just one more reason to feel justified for having these feelings towards you. I became rebellious, wild, and reckless to try and make you pay for not loving me yet you never seemed to notice. Not that we didn't have our good days, but they were far and few between.

Until I became a mother myself I couldn't even begin to come to terms with some of the intense feelings I had about you. We had a long hard road ahead of us; we did manage to work through enough of it that we could be civil to each other. As I observed you play with your grandsons, I would wonder silently how you were able to give to them so freely the love I had always longed for but you were incapable of giving.

Since you have recently taken leave of this world, I have been left with a whirlwind of feelings and wondering what to do with it all. All the unanswered questions are still there, and I have come to realize that they may always be there. It is only now I am able to say and truly mean it, I forgive you. You did the best you knew how, and I accept that. If you could've loved me better, I am sure you would have. I know I was not unlovable but rather it was your inability to love and that's okay. Even more than that, I forgive myself, and I am going to be okay. In truth I am already okay, I just have to remember I am.

So, Mom, I only would like to say, I love you and thank you for all the many lessons because it has reminded me of who I am. I have learned to be strong, compassionate, loving, and a wealth of other qualities. There was no other way to really learn except to experience it so I am grateful.

Wishing you love on your continued journey wherever it may take you.

"All You Need is Love"?

You know the song, don't you? The popular Beatles song that made all the ladies swoon and perhaps some of the men, too. :) Were these guys onto something? Is love all we really need? Could it be that simple? Or is it more complicated than that? Or...are we the ones that make it so complicated?

I am reading "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" by John Gray. This is one book I will recommend to EVERYONE, regardless of whether you are in a romantic relationship or not. The reason behind this is that this can only help you deal with men and women in all facets of your life, whether it's your parent, sibling, co-worker, boss, etc. It doesn't matter. And, if you are looking for love, then communication, as well as knowing and respecting each other's differences can only aide you. It's simple reading and if you don't want to help yourself then who will? Let's face it, knowing how to deal with the opposite sex instead of expecting them to be like you can only be a bonus.

To me, thinking all love is the end all be all is a little simplistic. Relationships are a LOT of work, if you want them to last, at any rate. Mom and Dad get on your nerves because they just don't get you or they are living in the dark ages. As you grow up, you either run away as far as you can from them or you learn to communicate with them on a level you can all live with. Otherwise, family reunions end up resembling the WWF (World Wrestling Federation). And do you really want your marriage to be like an episode of "Married With Children"? They may be fun to watch but try living with your own Al or Peg Bundy.

My heart tells me love is oh so very important and maybe it can stand alone on some very high level, but here in the physical world it may need some help. What other qualities go into a loving, SUCCESSFUL relationship? Trust and love, in my opinion, must go hand in hand. I cannot comprehend how you can have one without the other. Some of the others are: acceptance, mutual respect, caring, good communication skills, active listening, and here's a biggie...a sense of humor! You're going to need to laugh some days just to get over the hump because if you aren't laughing you are probably crying. I don't know about you, but laughing is much more preferable to me then swimming in a sea of unhappy tears with a steady stream of snot muddying the waters.

So far, this has been pretty one-sided. Are you reading out there? What are your thoughts, experiences, beliefs, stories...? Come on...I know you have them.